Who knew?
By this time it will be too late!
It feels like I almost forgot u smile,
U kiss upon my lips in Paris!
How those are painful!

I guess I did not matter much then,
I kept you lock in my head,
I remember u voice,
U smell, what happen?

If someone told me,
U be long gone,
3 years later, I would have kill,
And love more…
My darling….

I miss u,
Like most nights,
I think of you,
Strange how straight mind,
Get lost in some gay alleyways!

U walk into my life!
I was hopeless and free…
From all care in the world!
How beautiful!

I am on a rebound!
Searching for u again!
Doesn’t u wish u could hold?
The angel, the pretty’s girl of all….

Says to me,
Actually does it really matter?
So is it ok,
If your forget me!
Well it might works!

We are going all the way,
To heaven and hell back!
Like all memories,
All souvenirs, stick to me!
We are going all the way!

My first straight kiss was in Paris,
She was a commodity, at the time,
An excuse to believe I was….
Normal, but despise all of this,
I truly loved u and still do!
And now u is crying through the night!

I promise I shall keep u breath alive!
Are my little broken heart!
My sweet lullaby,
Darling, I miss u so much!

A gay men speaking about his girlfriend?
Where is this going?
I wonder?
Not that I really care!
It just did not work for me, but now, when I sleep at night,
No-one is like u,
So it seems!

I guess I still breaths and u doesn’t!
How grateful should I be for this?
There is no price!
To win or loose,
I am just a loose flashback!

U know what,
We never really had to make much excuses,
About our actions or gestures
Needles inside our arms,
Who care?
So be it

I worked so hard to make us breathes,
But I still waiting for the spiritual,
Answer or so it seem!
Ok, I will keep u in my heart!
See u tomorrow!

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Dance and swing all night,
Your fears away to the beat,
To the sound of reason,
As you know so well,
The end of this story!

So sure I would stay?
But you deceive me again!
As the boat is sinking,
Why should I witness the decline?
And count the drowned!

Do you care really, truly?
It hurt more for the poor souls,
Who shall be under your spell?
I have to break free,
And learn to fly again!

No hard feelings,
No regrets but hope u will let me go,
With a smile and dignity!
It was nice and it was fun!
But I must try again!

So indeed, I have being blind…
Seating in the easy seat,
Contemplating about the future!
But there is time and such hour as come,
When to say goodbye….

So there is it….goodbye madness if I wish to find peace it is time to move on…

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT

IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME INDEED!!!!

Where do you start?
Brother came to visit me from France; it was always a pleasure, sound so mundane!
But it was so…indeed!
I think the word tonight shall be “indeed”…
Following me yet in my depraved mind as I type!

So u got the rule of the game,
It is time to play and make u contribution to society! Too!
Indeed!

Yes I am rather tired, “Yawns”
To be the pleasure dome
The garden of Sodom, indeed, I was.
But while I get lost,
I strive to find the road,
The light and morning dews
So I may see indeed!

Oh yes this is the beginning indeed!
Did I hear somebody says?
Indeed?
Please do not carry on this mental torture,
Those eloquent lyrics those are gold,
And diamantes to the soul of the hollow,
Oh yes, try me, more if u wish indeed!

Do u follow me/
If u do so, I dare to says,
U is already masturbating my mind!
So come closer and come join me on:
Froggyboy2000@hotmail.com
On msn, where we play and died…

If not, I never expected to love
Between Apollo and napoleon
Or any grandiose such as Hitler!
Oh yes, I know what u think!!!
Oh dare u!

Because I wish too!
Wishes are like children’s dreams,
Never really real, never really true.
Simple illusion to cross the road,
Between adulthood and childhood.

Oh yes be it,
Indeed, I was,
Indeed, I am,
Indeed, I shall be…
Indeed, u shall too!

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT

last chapter of Freddy`s life,
i did let him goes friday night and was never see again
that good....
no foxes flat on the road around so he is probably reunnited with his
furry familly...
hehehe
ahhhhh those are momment who make life so special and precious!

ok i made my mid and let freddy on my balcony with his box now he has already move to the second floor!
bless i will miss him if tomorrow i wake up and his back to the box then i will have to make some serious thinking which too me, will show he has no home, home alone lol!
but i think he going to be fine!
well, while my selfish desire would be to have him as pet i am glad i have find the strenght to let him out and as i say, if tomorrow morning he still there then it will be god, hallah, buddha or wahtever wish for me to keep him and get him treated for the mange has it is fatal otherwise it will be back in my sentimental memory back with his familly that the way i would like to remenber him...
i was bless anyway to meet him and stroke him.

may the night be gracefull and let him be....
i shall sure miss him but i shall also, feel privilege to have met such a beautiful animal so close and had such a privilege encounter!

we shall see....

FOXY DAY!!!
Ready to go to works open the door of my flat to let the dogs relieved themselves, when all hell break loose and barking and vitriolic convulsion!

What is going on was my first thought, probably the cat of my neighbour next door?
First though!

Drags the dogs literally physically inside and had a look.
Now I live in a building with 3 floors, 2 flat on each and mine is on the top floor, last door which is nice as we have this sort of balcony to get to each flat doors.
So had a look and what do I see?
No cat indeed but a fox, the cutest thing, it only took a while to realised it was pretty young maybe 2 or 3 months old.
He got scare and run through the bar of the balcony and stay there half hanging in the air.
What can I do, I take the dogs he might panic and jump to his sure death!
From the third floor!
Wonder if even me comes closer he might do the jump too?

Pause and rewind, stay in the flat with the dogs that by now have calm down but now there is something on the balcony they would like to have!
I am stuck, because if I take the dogs and this is the only way out of the flat, the poor thing is for sure jumping so here I am walking slowly to him, with a broom!

Yes a broom, because by now It look to me, the poor thing has not idea how to get back in and look stuck in mid air!
Was not too sure if I wanted to touch the cute little thing and get my hand ripped apart!
After all, we have fox all over London; I mean I live pretty central!
Still I see foxes all the time at night time waking around, as we destroy their natural habitats the poor creatures come to the city to feed themselves, ripping bin bags and eating whatever the poor sod can find like the drunk who has puck his kebab on his way home, maybe not the prettiest example!

Still here was the beginning of my day and I am thinking I am going to be late for work, but here I am with a broom, pushing the poor creature back on the floor of the balcony and it works.
I am trying to get in down the stairs but he decides to go on the second floor and jump on the edge again of the balcony, this fox is so young and already suicidal!
So here I am , thinking, well, not everybody around my flat is nice and I can already see some kids killing the poor thing or worse some idiot adult killing it as many ppls see them as vermin.

Now u should have look at him and if somebody can kill such beauty of nature there are seriously fuck!
Anyway, after a long debate I decide to get my pet carrier and surprisingly manage without any problem to get him inside.
And here I am turning at work with a cub fox!

Thinking I will keep an eye on him feed him and if I think if he was ill would take him to the vet.
Needless to say everybody’s at work were so amazed!

Bought some dog food and thank god while at first he look he would not eat and did eventually.

So here I am he look super cosy and really don’t look like wanting to leave the pet carrier, he lied there eat and seems very cosy, I know animals and he does not show any sign of distress, to the contrary Freddy (as we nickname him, yes I did check, it is a HE!) had dinner and seems rather happy right now in his box, lock in my bathroom.

Jeezzzz, I tell u if I did not have dogs I would keep him, because there is no guaranty he might make it out there?
But I have to do the right thing while he seems to have recuperated it, I am about to let the little ball of fluff outside waiting for nighttimes.
Hopefully tomorrow morning he will be reunited with his family, I truly hope so…
As my friends joke he might be waiting outside my door again!
Jesus what would I do with a fox and 2 dogs!

I mean he is definitely not tamed with ppls yet so he has a chance to survive, well I keep trying to tell myself so.
While he actually le me pet him and behave like a cat!
He does not show any injuries excepts the typical mange and riddle with fleas which is pretty normal for a fox living in London, they all looks pretty rough like me after a sleepless night!

It is nice because i take this thing very seriously and as I always ended up with animals for some very strange reason at my door step or turning in my life, I see this has a good omen.

It will already break my heart to let him go tonight!
Because i have no guaranty he will survive specially has he should have been in bed this morning with his family and not on my door step!

I hope he will be strong and survive, I am going to let him out and watch him for a while if I see something odds, I will take him to my vet tomorrow and see what he says…
Look like I could end up with a fox on a lead walking the streets of London!!! Imagine, that would be enough to make jealous Paris Hilton!

Well let hope the poor creature find his way, anyway I have already read and find out while in the wild fox can live around 10 years old in london the average lifespan is 1 to 2 years, so it not surprise we see some been run over often on the road.
Oh bless…..
Hold a good though for Freddy!

23.33 PM!!!!
Just being speaking with many friends about my rather mad situation!
I mean is not everyday u finding a cub on your doorstep!

Anyway I think, after checking on him in my bathroom, he look rather cosy and definitely not looking like he want to leave my bloody flat!
So I will let him overnight in and see tomorrow what need to be done!
It is nice because my brother is arriving from France tomorrow and what a shock despises I spoke to him on the phone and he already heard the all story…
He can’t wait to see him.
Mind u if anyone saw him, I am sure it would melt.
I am off going to do some research on the internet maybe there is some refuge for foxes in England, the RSPCA , forget it, will simply put him down, as there is too many foxes in London and knowing that even some council pay some professional to shoot them!
I don’t want to take the risk to have him dead by tomorrow!

Well, I shall keep u inform and thank god my brother is coming with a camera so I be able to spot some pics of Freddy. Wait to see that!
U will melt!

Till the rain,

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.NAUDET.

To find the strength to live or to died,
Neither is wrong or right,
But the result is the same,
You either succeed or fail,
And at the end, what?

I have fantasize about the outcome more then I probably breathes,
The ultimate goal, the ultimate journey?
What is behind the reach of the human soul?
What is beyond the desire and dream?
We are all going too died…indeed.

So why rushing for it?
Because some of us can not bare the reality and his ugliness?
What is bravery?
Courage to carry on?
I wonder, I do not think or agree with this
And had many debate about the right to died!

I have been longing to be creative again; I was super efficient at it,
Few years back but my will at the moment is tarnish,
By depression and even get it up is a tremendous effort!
While like some hermit I brew some magic potion in my mind,
Beauty and arts shall I hope come back to life,
The desire…
This is where it all comes too!
The desire to live or died?
In my case I am seating in the middle of the fence,
Not knowing what direction to take or leave?

Maybe I question too much and should just go with the flow,
Like the wind, I love the wind because it caresses me...
But I also, love the river and the cold water because their waves invite me!
I can see my body slowly falls from earth and be gulp by her fluid corpse,
My lifeless body floating…

I should be working on my site,
I should be doing this and that…
But the true is I am simply tired,
Tired of life or tires full stop?
Does it really matter, I should be able to let goes and just be…

Tonight I am off to bed early,
I feel empty but not depress,
Simply empty like a shell on the shore of my demented mind.
Waiting for the lucky star, shooting one please!
To crash me under it weight!

I have not motivation I guess this is what they call depression?
Who care?
I don’t right now, I am just floating,
In some bubbly beers,
With a nice little valium,
Long as gone the daily dolls,
But for how long?

I miss them like F...K!
The oblivion of it all.
My brother arriving Saturday,
I am not sure what this is going to be,
We were so close…
It shall see me in different light,
I shall not pretend but be me.
I have not the strength to be somebody or else,
And will be me.

I love him dearly we have a special bond,
But is this bond will be strong enough for him to see how low I am, right now?
I wonder?
Can you blame him sweet twenty one years old!

Fifteen year apart, he only started to be,
While I have started to finish…
My journey,
I have found myself having some horrid thoughts,
Like him finding me dead….
Can I do that to him?
I cannot answer this one!

I am at lost and he shall see this….
Lost in some place I don’t even know the name or the map
I am an illusion of myself a shadow of u I was!
Tonight I am simply typing words and I don’t care about what I say, it probably means turds!
As far I am concern!

But do I care?
Not!
I feel I have reached the end,
The end of what?
Mercury or Saturn?
Moon or stars?
I can not be even being bothered to write more…
I simply write because writing is like breathing,
I would dies,
If I stop….

So stop then!

There u have u answer.

COPYRIGHT@2006@H.N.MARGOT.

Tonight was so hard I could not stop myself and took a doll.
Do I feel guilty, not!

I have done so well but my heart is away in some soil, in some different country who laid the rotten body of my beloved.

And I don’t have to apologize because I know tonight I won’t sleep if I did not embrace a doll, god know, I made sure I kept enough to end it all.
Tonight I really needed one so it is a matter of time before I feel the slapping in my brain and slowly witness the slow decline of my brain and mental functions.

I don’t actually think I truly wish to stop them but resist the temptation of Christ because there is so few and between who shall prescribe me more dolls!
The ones who make me want to sleep and wake up with a smile, who care if it is all fake?

My sweet brother arrived from France Saturday to stay with his big brother sweet 21 years old; I wonder what is going to make about his big brother the black sheep of the family, the gypsy ….
I know he admired me and see me as a role model, poor soul if he knew…

Ok I am going to started watching the same old bollocks and left the dolls to crush my skulls.
Sorry I feel a bit disappointed me too…

Give u eyes so I may see…………………………………………..

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

You hold my head and put lipstick on my lips…
That right!
How long they knew better but I wish we did not!

Remember how silly and playful we were, laughing at “kiss, kiss, kiss me” dark lyrics and we kept applying make up till we truly look like the future ghosts we shall become!

Or sad I feel to write those words till we meet again!
Why I was too live and you to died, I ask god so many times, I spoke so often to you while I still miss you so much!

Your name was Christelle G…. you were my girlfriend.
We shared dreams and fading hopes…
Teenager’s dreams, I kiss u in Paris for the first time, I still remember the place, and I have visited the same place often since u left me…
They call me...

I knew by their voice something was wrong, like the day was falling upon my shoulders it was my birthday, I can still hears the hesitation in the tone of their voices….
-“Christelle is d………………………”
Too late!

I never crucified you for it and still tonight respect your choice but it hurt so much when I can’t sleep…
You were in the Ivory Coast, they say they find your body on the beach; mortis has already took of all you.

Familly had no money to get your body back to France so the horror went on; we had to wait 3 weeks before we could bring the lifeless corpse of my girlfriend who committed suicide at 22 years old.

And then the rest came like a rush, autopsy and thinking of you cut to pieces make me want to vomit and I am so glad I did not had to watch you or witness this!

So indeed, 1 month later we were finally able to put to rest in some grave, with your surname only on some marble stone, no family name, because the pain and the curse of u family and the hate and the rest of I don’t understand, they decided it would be better to simply put your first name, I guess u mum was still upset and did not wish to have your daddy name engraved upon the stone, where u still, to these days, laid peacefully I wish…I wish so much it hurt!

My darling, 22 years old, I beg and then hated god for it!
At the same time, why so young?
Taken away from me...
Still wonder!

I had so many fantasies of your departures and I like to think you had spare thoughts for me?
Tell me when with met again!
Tonight.

No wonder I am angry and care less as day/ nights pas away…
I wish I could hold your bones one more time…
There are so many things; I wish to tell you in secret…
I know u is smiling upon the full moon tonight.

I promises u will be my muse and I kept my promises to these days and shall never let goes of you memory, u are the girl I used to love…
Conversation with Christelle G.

Till we meet again, I wish u heaven, till we met again.

How this is so hard to spells!

I knew u little heart was broken when I met u, u told me about the blow jobs u gave to u step-dad…
And then u went to come to see me, one night and on u way back u got rape, in some basement.

I know how u felt as I was there…
Not long after but u was not there to tuck me in bed to sleep anymore…
I wish I could pick up the phone and hear u voice!!!!

Your voice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like your eyes the all scene become like a blurry void.

So I do not wish to finish this entry like some sod crying his eyes out over you because you were made of iron and let just says,
Bleeding, flipping so not too swears!

I m not dead and u shall live through me, every bones inside me breaths u last one.
So u can try to break me or erase the pain, I truly do not care, because I am the blossom and like the change of the seasons, I am not dead yet, just floating….
And u knows what?

I am being rather happy to live through you because u shall always be my goddess!!!!

I look at you seating in my bed table looking young and sad/ happy in some old photo frame as u are this days/ nights.
I am just the one who keeps changing/ holdings to a dream we once shared…..

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Seating on the edge, transition can be rather difficult!
Following the dream and believing in oneself, as one can say is the ultimate test of one being.

I don’t have the energy to go too much in details but to be more clearly about the situation I am experiencing I would say:

While I graduated last year in digital arts with mixed media animations and sacrificed 5 years of my life to achieve this, last October, until I could find a job in the field of my studies I went back to work in hairdressing.

I find a job which is about ten minutes from home in some semi-barber shop, now, after working for eight years in one of the best company (Toni & guy), before I did my degree and left as I was studying full time and could not fit anymore my time with my previous job there, I found a job in some salon who were happy for me to work there week end.
This at the time suited my needed.

That was nearly 3 years ago.

At first when I started working where I am at, I was suffering from depression.
It wasn’t that the place was not good but I was more concern about the fact, that my boss has a huge problem with cocaine!
Soon, it becomes clear that, we, the staffs were running the play, which would not bother me, if I had some kind of contract.
I mean, I have once in a while some slip pay etc…
But I am in a place where tomorrow, I can be ask to leave and ended up with nothing.
Again, if I was twenty years old, it might not be such a hard deal, but these days I have a mortgage and a little family of furry pets (dogs etc…)

Being a taurus I like to known, my feet’s are sturdy on the ground and I am in a situation, while I actually like my boss, despise his problem, who am I to judge?
In some very precarious balance when it comes us, tomorrow, he could come and tell us he sold the shop.
Which few time, he nearly did, kind of say:
-“I nearly sold the salon yesterday etc…”
Now, I know him well enough to realise he says a lot especially when high on coke!

So I decide few months ago to look for another salon to work and it turn that I have been offer to go back to Toni and Guy, but…
There is always a “but”!

I actually went there, which take me almost an hour and half travelling by tube.
The salon is located in one of the most depressing part of London, did a day test, which turn up to be fine, which without being arrogant I knew would be, after all, I had work for this company for 8 years on the past as a style director and know what is expected from me, + I am after so many years cutting hair rather good at it.

The dilemma being-
1 I really did not like the location.
2- It is so far from home it means I will get back to my hobbit hole by 9.30 Pm, meaning I won’t have time to be creative and focus on trying to find another job which is related to my field of studies.
3-they want me to work 5 days a week late shift meaning finishing at 8 pm or later…meaning getting home never before 9 or 9.30 pm.
4- I really did not like the atmosphere, well there was no atmosphere!

Ok, now, where I am working at the moment:
-1 10 minutes walk from home.
-2 the money I get is pretty close from what I would make in Toni and guy.
-3 my boss is a cocaine addict, meaning no-one knows what the future hold, we could be without a job tomorrow…
-4 but I am working 4 days a week, which give me time to be creative and start working on my exhibition, and looking at the same time for jobs in my field of study.

So there is it, the only reason I can think, I would go back working for my old company is the fact that I would be in a more secure environment meaning I would sign a contract etc…

But then again I look at the all situation this way,
One, I feel going back to work for them means going backward!
I longed for security but I also, praise myself all these years for having being such a brave person and always follow my heart in this case going back to study at university at 30 years old.

My guts feeling don’t feel right to go back there, but I must be getting old ;-(
As I feel now that I got a mortgage, I should also think about putting myself into a safe place.
But then again, I am a true spirit!
As I always joke I probably ended up dead penniless and then, I will have all my work selling for buckets!

I have spoken about the all situation too some of my close friends and it seems they all agree with me, I should again follow my heart and guts feelings!

Forget security and stay where u are, I mean, it is not bad, I have time for myself but I worry a lot about the future of the place…
I can see my boss decline rapidly…

So there u is…not sure if I make much sense?

But I would appreciated if some of my cyber little friends could give me their opinions.

As I have too make my mind soon, actually this week.

I think I already make the right choice but I feel I need some support…

I took all these years pride in the fact I NEVER compromised and always follow my guts feelings.

But I guess there is a lot at stake this time.

Please any little help shall be appreciated it.

Till the Rain,

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

As a matter of interest, I would love to know how many of you have been taking barbiturates.

And if so which one?

Tell me about your experiences with them and if u obviously are able to respond how u did managed to free yourself from their spells, because I am trying so hard to let them goes….
I am so sad….
Pretty form the inside, pretty ugly from the outside!

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT

If it was time to write goodbye, what would you say?

Dear …..(Too personal to actually mention their names).

They say I would be so clever and successful so here I am, tonight.
I was a child prodigy as they like to call me, a child who seems to be able to do whatever it wishes too.

But then the turmoil of emotions and the post traumatic stress of life took is toll on him, well I guess this is what they will say…
Maybe I am wrong?

Does it really matter?
As this time of the night I am, was and shall be…all together in one person.
Together fighting for the true and innocence of the brave hearts?

Does it really matter if I make senses?
Maybe I should get back to the idea of this stupid blog of writing my memories in some twisted ways…
My way….I can hear Elvis singing it!

I am still miles away to have succeeded from being free of the dolls.
Let me tell you about them

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,
The DOLLS!

- They look rather pretty like candies for children’s for the depraved soul I was…
I fell in love with tem, in November 2005, while i add already took some in my youth back as early as 1988, I was under the spell of barbiturates.

No wonder, no doctors shall prescribe them these days, I guess they burn their old prescriptions, so no-ones knew how many died from their handwritten wills.

It is funny in my eyes.
I know the secret not only do they look like candy but most of all, there are so sickly mortal!

One too many and there is no turning back…
I mean, I have play with many pills and powder to make me feelllllllll……
Bu the dolls are such a different matter!

There are magic like fairies dust…
I am going to glamorize the most venomous drugs of all!

Why, because there are so bleeding sucking freaking excellent in my blind eyes!

Yes I am a blind man walking on egg shells searching for his little mother’s helpers.

I know now, why so many died from their sweet hands, liquors and dolls the perfect cocktail!
For me indeed!

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only left person who has been left prescribing such sweets for the pallet!

I am as addicted to the feeling of oblivion as I fall to oblivion and wake up with jumble of sodium inside my brain, begging for more…
I am god at the time, fearless and brave, feeling like I am….me.

I still these days try to find a friend who like me has being hook on barbiturates?

We are a dying species.
It is quit a struggle while I have left about 70 of my dolls in my kitchen cupboards as my final exit, I know, I can call this “posh" expensive hospital to get more…

I miss 20 years of my life…..

God be my friend….

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.NMARGOT.

Jesus talking about black and white!
Wake up this morning feeling like a god of Olympia!
By one clock was feeling so sick I crawled back to bed like some caterpillar that has being denied the right to become a butterfly!

Wake up at six in the afternoon, terrible heart palpitation, suffering from tachycardia; I knew this was not a very good sign.
Nevertheless, I fought to getup and here I am after spending an hour on the phone with my friend and discussing my slow decline of the valley of the dolls…
How i miss them but at the same time, how I had done so well to free myself from the chemical jail I had inflicted myself for the past 20 years!

I feel like walking on a silky string waiting to falls from grace.
Some old freaks of some Victorian circus, watch by my best friends, shall or shall I not?
This is the question:
To be or not to be!

So there we are again, back to the same old song, the same old story, the same old book and I wonder…
Sometimes, I just let myself down; sometimes I fight like a bull in some arena, blood pouring from my veins, and mouth wide open searching for my last breath!

And the night has just begun!
I have so much to express, so much to do.
I started to work on my next exhibition and the few in between who saw the work I have done were very impress by it.
I should be dancing upon the devil grave and cum with pleasure about it!
But instead I am fills with same gloomy feeling of sadness and despair.

I need to do some work on my website (www.crowpied.com)
I have so much to add to it so many things, souvenirs, written statements, drawings, films etc…blablabla….
To put on line, that what happens when u become a multi-media artist (jeeeezzzz-I hate this word Artist! I am not bleeding artist, but simply a creative mind).

Art is all around, child can see it, one who has managed to keep a certain level of innocence can see it, and it is all around us, look at the grass!
Did you notice in London for the past two weeks we had 3 nuptials flies of ants (lazius Niger species) as I was walking I started to noticed queen some still with their wings some princes and the all concept of my next exhibition.
As u might know I am going to make some living sculptures with insects that self – interact…
To be following….

My highlight of the day, I came across the blog of someone who I felt a certain affinity with…time shall tell.

Time to move on….
The night is short; the work is long and painful….

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Not sure what is it with Sunday morning?
All I know is I am always so fond of them!

Being up since 8 am feeling great, well, is this great?
Watering the plants, pottering around the house, watching machine engine on etc…
Had a walk with the dogs, fed the two ouistitis my little monkeys.
Had a pee on some blog and was nicely surprise to find one from somebody, who obviously lives in London, but was discussing many places, peoples from a scene I knew.
Well, that what they says, the world is small!

But (yes, there is always one) I am still craving the dolls and the rest of my little mother’s helpers!
I suppose, only time in this matter will be my god, Buddha or whatever I turn too!

I was wondering as I was putting clothes in the tumble drier, what could I used to replace my vices with, and straight away the answer was by another vice!
Yes, it is hard to change a lifetime habit!

Did not even smoke yesterday, I simply came back from work and after having gulping some food, found myself so tired I crawls to my bed with the idea of having a short nap, which turn up to be, I woke up around 2 am to hears the fibrosis residue of my friend in Paris calling me and leaving a message on my answer machine, could not even managed to get up.
So I had a very long nice sleep.

Today I have to do some serious thinking about a job, I have been offer!
Not my dream works but it would be better on a secure side then the one, I am in at this minute, where I don’t even have a contract, still, I works 10 minutes from home, don’t have to commute in the tube like castles in this summer days, and works 4 days a week, ok the money is not great but the time is far more precious to me, as I have started to work on my next exhibition the few and between who I have discuss the concept with, seems to really like the ideas and the thoughts behind.

Off the walls is the only way to describe what I am doing, but is it not the best way to describe pretty much all my ideas!

So it seems, the ground upon which I am walking is changing, moulding, and moving =, dribbling and melting to let me falls to a new place, I have not idea yet…
For somebody who usually like surprise I can not really says, I am ecstatic about the all process of changing.
It HURT!!!

But something keep whispering, it all going to be for the better…

Got to carry on with the plants, I am making some kind of mutant’s vegetal, crossing, pruning etc…

A bientot,

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

It has been a while since I have press the button of my keyboard to sulk or burst between the sheets!
Well tonight as I am swimming into deep water, I shall try to falls from this page to the sky and smile tomorrow?
While tears and fears seem so perfect together I have little energy left.

The past few weeks has been a real test of human nature, mine obviously!

Coming off the dolls has been worse then expected it and while i have excels I believe a vegetable has more zest then me right now!
I just want to sleep and sleep again maybe with a bit of luck I might never wake up?

I could go to bed;
OR
I could pay so I can carry on the deadly game I was in!

I am not even sure why I try?
Maybe to see what it feels like to be alive again after so many years, to be precise past 20 years in a chemical cocoon of psychotropic drugs.
So far, I would lie to says, I enjoy the transition!

I have lost taste for everything,
I am an invalid crawling upon the pavement of reality!
And like some insect at the wrong place expect any seconds to be crush under the weight of some ignorant citizen, hearing b4 I expired my last breath!

While it might BE hard to understand, I longed to be hospitalized and not have too worried anymore about anything’s.
I deserve this!

While, my surrounding expect me to be strong at all time, which I have, I know my limit and I have stretch my last seconds/ hours/ weeks!
For 14 tablets I am done to 2 maximums, something i was told only weeks ago would take months, actually one year to be precise to achieved, I guess it won’t come as no surprise I am feeling so low.
I just hope I won’t act upon my emotional tumult of this minute!

I have a solution I have kept in my kitchen cupboard for a while now…
But this is so brutal and I must remember there shall not be any turning back.

So instead I turn like a lion in a cage hoping for the end of the act!
But is there such a thing?
Or my I re-phrase this is it such a thing as the end of this turmoil?

It would be so easy if I had money.
This is where one has to realize we lived in a world of privilege zombies who has not ideas of the chance they have to be able to pay and received!

I could simply call this private hospital and get my prescription renew and all would be fine again…
But I had choose the hash reality of life, the jolt of each days/ nights to slaps me in the face till I keep hoping for better days/ nights!

Anyway time to write to my family, I think I am going to cancel my brother trip to visit me, I wish to be alone or should i says I wish to sleep alone….

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.