Words, syllables and bluffs…
I wish I could touch again, I do anything,
If somebody could computed the blessings,
But then knew better!

I must go to bed, or I will fall to the abyss,
I can see myself,
Slipping on the road of hell!
Until we meet again!

I wish I could spit the venom of my anger,
The tears drooling on the screen, like tornadoes!
So instead I write bullshits to keep my mind from wanting and begging for more!
I an addict to dolls god why do doctors created such drugs, I crave them like a baby who crave the nipple of his mother!
I crave them like a child, Father Christmas!

I want more and more and slip to sleep…for ever?
Sometimes!

But tonight I shall not take any.
I will be the most, miserable sod in London, spoils sprat whishing for more toys!
And yes I am that silly child/man who wants what it ever wishes, but the reality is…
I have no choice!
I have done the right things and call many friends already asking, talking for words…
To get my mind off the dolls, oh my god, even writing the DOLLS is painful and I feel my guts begging to have a couple inside me, and the slow process of drowsiness the slow decline to the abyss, I have learn to love!

So catch my breaths and hope?!
I don’t even believe yet!
Would I become one of this freaks and find Jesus again?
Hopefully not. As my god is me, I am alone and don’t play any rules!
Addiction is so awful we though we were cleverer and stop like this!
Stupid boy, and forget the victim and all that non-senses!

I am as guilty as hell!
To have falls for the one and only!
By the age of thirteen I knew I would be hook on downers, it was the lifestyle the fantasy that came with it!
And look at yourself tonight!

While I don’t feel sick or sorry I realized what a twat I have been!
I play with fire and burn everything.
One day the fire shall stop and I might find peace but if….
This is the problem the famous “if”

If this, or that….

While I still hope for the drama and the most horrific end to come next week, I keep battling, otherwise I would have already stop working and spend my last days having fun…

So i guess in my deep unconsciousness, I truly want to be free?

Free, Yoko bono indeed…..

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Who knew I would laugh so much and for once the cosmic waves of happiness where slowly coming from inside...
I have not cracked and carry on the slow process of winding me off the dolls!
I have done better then anyone’s would have believe, even the doctors predicted it would take a al year for me to comes off and here I am weeks away to be completely clean…

“Clean” funny expression for this kind of experience.
While today has been a good day and I have been exploring new emotions I had not felt for quite a while, actually for years, I suddenly remember, I was rather a comical character in the past, free from pharmaceutical bubbles!

Strange how we forget who we are, without the make up of pills and booze.
But then again, I would be lying to say, I feel on the top of the world, actually I still struggle with depression quite heavily, while I expect the road to be a long way yet before I can truly believe I shall never take my dolls again!
I am on the ladder!
On the first step!
And how does it feel?
Good, actually, it sucks and I spit my mental state upon the silver screen…

I miss the self-destruction and the slow falls to oblivion at night into the land of the Valley of the dolls!
So instead, I watch the movie!

Keep trying to remember and hold on to my dreams is what saves me from going back to that safe place, this cocoon I miss and cherish for so long.

Will I succeed or falls from grace one and for all…
I guess I shall live life take care of this question until then, I am battling to get back on board and not let the ship sink…

Now, this is the time, to start questioning, why?
Why do I wish to go down?
I have an acquaintance with the night and starless sky!

And yes it is nightmares most days/ nights but I can wake up anytime’s or wish too!

The battle of the titans!
Me and myself!

Example, I would be quite comp tempt to take a little pill and go to bed, nothing unusual same feeling of sleeping off my self-impose loneliness.
But I feel this urge to be creative and battle with a golden sword upon this blooded field, the ghost of the past!
I keep cutting heads off and like seeds; I watch them, take root again in this dirty soil and sprung to life again, stronger and even more ferocious!
I know who there are looking to kill and strangle with lies!
How long can I run or hide?

At least for the past few months I can actually look at myself and tell myself I am not a bad person.
Those are progress but the attraction to darkness is still burning me and the fires of my passions are slowly disintegrating to dust.

Moaning, not really more realistic I would describe those feelings.

One step at the time, I guess I already have achieved more then anyone would have dreamed off!
But I still search for that deep wishful though to WANT TO STOP, TO ACTUALLY FEELING MY HEART THE DESIRE TO GIVE IT ALL UP AND MOVE ON…
The day I shall be able to throw away the react of my dolls, I will know, I have reached the peak of the mountain!
The one and only, where I shall stand up proudly and scream from my inside out;
- I AM FREE, FREEDOM AND LOVE!

Would I ever achieve this dream?
I wonder still////

Everyone’s has a story to tell, everyone has a tale or broken dreams like fake diamantes!
But it is not the fairy tale or the ending who truly count, if I am honest, it is the journey one run or walk peacefully to get to the next level…
One day my teacher of fiction writing, told me after reading a story I wrote, something that had stay with me all this years:
- “qui s eleve, s`isole….
(Gross translation) who elevate himself, isolate himself….

At the time, I did not know how too take his words until one day I realise what he was trying to tell me, the VERITAS appears like the virgin Mary and felt rather honour by the sad comment a mixture of pride and sadness…

Maybe this is where the creativity laid in some dusty graveyard, where we are the tool of some spiritual force who guide our hands to created something beautiful while we despise ourselves, therefore, making us searching by perpetually trying to build a castle of beauty where we could close our door peacefully, but I am afraid to say, I have a dread that door, shall not be close by me…but by some philanthropic assholes who will discuss my works long after I have expire!

Do I really care?
Well I know some shall see through the lines and understand!
And all this intellectual of oxford whose knowledge is limited to some dusty books, shall never see thought the amber spy!

I have battle and still bleed watching my wounds even my family think I am the misfits of the pack, the wolf who had to leave the pack before he destroyed the lots and eat every single sheep’s!

But is it my fault is my appetite is huge for life?

I am perpetually hungry for more, more, sex, more dolls, more pills, more liquors, more love, more stars, more Sunday morning with smile, more darkness!

Confession of a sinner, not?!
Confession of a broken spirit, not!
Confession of a man, who does not know where he really belongs or goes,
Confession of a blind man, so give me u eyes so I can see……

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

It is rather funny how life take you in your most twisted dreams, well in my case, I can only, speak for myself!

While i have been suffering some serious Seuvrage symptoms for the past few weeks and some pretty scary up and down, the stairs of Satan, as I like to call it!
I still tonight smile, why?

Because I am surrounded my some of my cutest friends, Mimo & Misty, playing around in my living room, calling each other with some secretive sounds, lyrics to the ear of the pagan!

May I introduce them?
Mimo and Misty are “mignon ouistitis” in French and in English call “Pygmy marmosets”.
Think between a bastard of gremlins and fairies and u have a pretty clear picture of my little furry friends.
They swing from the ceiling, play hide and seek and are the most mischievous tiny creatures I was bless to have!

Ouistitis are the smallest monkey, yet knows by mankind’s, I remember as a child when they discover them in the forest of the Amazon, seeing a picture of infant holding somebody thumb, this is as tiny as u can get in the world of primates, saying this, they might be small, but trust me, they are as smart as their cousin, the gorillas!

Strange indeed in the middle of London having two monkeys!
At this minute there are out of they cage/prison but then again, one as to ask the true nature of what a prison is?

I mean, some peoples lived in some palace while others survived in crowded bed-sit/ chamber de bonne, what the difference?
Freedom of moving as we wish, again I question this, obvioulsly, pygmy marmosets being legal to have as pet in London or the UK as we say, here they are free to be as naughty as they wish in my living room, and trust me they are very , very naughty!

I take great pride in them condition and welfare.
They look perfectly healthy and happy to the point they actually interact with my Border collie and my strange couple, who live together.

Did I mention them yet??
Not.
I was looking after a friend Gerbil and had a pet mice, in a separate cage.
One day, the mice being so tiny slip through her bars of her cage and when to the cage of the gerbil.
And they has not been turning back, I nurture the most unusual pair of rodents, living together one male mouse with one male gerbil together.
They are the best friends in the world, I concluded that even animals do not like to be on their own, and it has been many months now, they share the same quarter and foods and are sleeping together!

Now, trust me, if I had a numeric camera I would take a photo of this two!
My heart melts!
But then again, when my monkey are out they have no problem to actually visited them near their home and even Mickey (the mouse) come out as he can easily walk around of the cage and wonder at night in the flat, he seems he has not fear of them either and the primates do not seems to mind them at all either!

Now, this is like some magical story , I means my flat to anyone’s who comes visits are always under the spell of nature and the mysteries of it all…
Especially when one knows gerbil would not even mixed with another male gerbil as they would fight to death!

So there u is, I have a couple of two gay rodents, 1 gerbil and a mice living in the most harmonious way!

And two adorable monkey which I look upon as pixies and special gifts.

Now I can hear the ones, who think how cruel it is to have monkey as pet instead of being in the Amazon fores…….t.
Actually what is left of the Amazon forest as this is a huge problem, deforestation and cutting trees everyday, killing they habitats and thank god, pygmy are one of the primate who strive and is not listed as endanger species.
Now my idea is when i got babies which should be in December, I intend to start breeding programs in the UK to have some of them, free in some wildlife park.
As a matter of fact despise the fact, yes there will be always some who are smuggle into the country, most primates in the UK have been breed here since the late seventies.
Mine for sure come from Essex for the boy and Scotland for the girl!

But as I look my male playing near his cage and looking so healthy I realised why I never really talk or write about them, as I don’t feel any guilt or bad feeling to have them, they are exceptionally happy and healthy!

If there were not with me, it is very luckily they would be used for some medical experimentation!

That a strange posts for me so far…..
Monkey business!!!!

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

I am so tired the cloaking his reaching his speak!
Not only I miss my dolls like a madman ready to shoot but I am having the most lucid nightmares I had in years…

Wake up this morning, with the most dreadful sense of fear and almost paralyzed in bed, in mental anguish and physical agony, pain all over….
Welcome to the kingdom of the addict of barbiturates!

Many questions are starting to arise?
Do I wish to stop!
Number one to answer!
While I still have not found faith I hold on to a trunk floating upon this sea of chemical agonising pains!

God, oh hard is this, while I still keep 80 capsules of Tuinal to go out and exit it all, so close from me, yes, all my friends have been saying the same things, why don’t do throw them away?

Because I am in love with them maybe let me re-phrase this, I am in love with the cosmic effect they gave me, when I wake up, feeling like new and pure….
Fearless, innocent, happy etc…the list is endless…

I have so little choice left!
I am so lonely, while at the same time, surrounded by caring souls.
So why do I feel so empty, so lazy in this land where let face it, mister, I simply wish to falls like a roman soldier to the bottom of the sea…

Food for fishy spirits and kiss my ass goodbye!
Because, u were never there to stop me!

Next week suppose to be my big date, the one I dreams off since a child!
I feel my world is swallowing me all and have not saying about it, I hate depression, Jesus, I wish I knew…
The meaning of happiness and light hearts in the breeze.

I guess they have win by making me feel so guilty to commit myself to a broken dream, so I keep thinking, no no, no…

I scream please don’t let me do it next week, it will be easy, I already know what the plan “could be”...

I will empty the capsules of my pretty dolls and mixed them with more pills left over…
I will take the train to a place I cherish and mixed the deadly brewage in a small flask.

And seat near the edge of the river, waiting,
Now as I have much experience with this thing it would take seconds maybe a couple of minutes for me to falls into oblivion and slip in the cold water unconscious.

I will have make arrangement, lies mostly so some of my friends came to my house and find the house empty and rescue my best furry friends…

By the time, they find out, if ever? Long my body would have being gone….

I got 1 week! Left!

Or

I shall relapse and live whatever is left of my life to what I am accustomed with!
Morning dews and deep thoughts in the early hours of the mornings while crying Niagara Falls inside me….

The choice is mine.

I am so tired, god if u knew how much I wish to be embrace in the arms of some caring soul and for once in my life, for once!!! I repeat!

To be told,

- do not worry, I shall take care of you, sleep and dream…everything is going to be all right….

This make me almost cry.
This make me want to died, this make me want to live….

Well, I guess we shall see, if my last attempt is a success?
Or a lucky failure?

My friends had to live with my illness I had to struggle with it day and night’s everyday of my life!

Whatever happens, I shall live a legacy of creative works behind me….

I hope there is a place for me too…
My only claimed to fame to have been honest to the end!

H.n.

result = negative!

There are days, evenings who can be so simply describe!

Tomorrow I shall know if I am positive/ or negative?
Yeaps I fuck without lust but love at the time hoping, dreaming and there u is silly idiot, waiting the last few hours to know the true…
I am really ….empty.
I guess I rather know.

Tomorrow should be very sunny day in London and I hope I shall comeback from the hospital with a smile…

And not plotting my E…

I am petrified of this hideous disease!

Why be punish to love?
Why???

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Mundane is the word that pop in my dizzy head while I keep going down and have wave goodbye to my pretty dolls for the time being!
It seems almost impossible to think, I shall never embrace them.
I see myself changing for the better?
I guess it is far too early to make such a judgment!

But I have been slightly more creative, the void has to be fills with something!
I spend years floating in the clouds and managing all at the same time but there is a time to stop…
Is this what we call growing up?
Co`s I don’t think, I really like it yet!

But then again, as it was pointed to me, I have probably spent the past fifteen years swimming in chemical sea, except for six months, long ago…

I just want to sleep and be feed like an infant who has been ripped from the nipple of his mother too early!
And time has catch up with me and I wonder what the answer is…

I am so afraid art time while I have some good days/nights; I am guilty to have falls in love passionately with my dolls!
And now, I am in this hell and I know I could start all over again for double the price!

I feel old, lost and ready to jump while there is something inside me who cry to be free!
Is this what they call addiction?
Oh well, apparently I find this silly site who declare that barbs/ head like me were look down even by heroine/ cocaine flowers soul, we are the bottom of the gutter, well that what it says!

What a lot of ….I don’t like swearing often , I just not in the mood, but what the difference, if one choose sunset boulevards to end it suffering, instead of sticking a needle inside his arms!

I guess the dolls have took too many life’s, in the past, so what, is it not the drug of choice for such “Fin”?

Started watching “Brokeback Mountain” it kind of inspired me, but I have not reach the end of the movie but I feel tragedy, the stench of death coming well I shall see in the nest few hours…

Tomorrow is a big dead for me, I won’t go about what happen but I am getting tested for HIV, result the same day!
I am kewl about it, I am shitting myself!

And so what would be my crime, to have love?
I was silly and this is the irony of it all, while I was always so careful I let barriers down, at the time feeling so low.

Anyway, tomorrow is a big day!
10.30 AM by 11 AM I shall know, despise I will have to have a more serious test…

I have faith as a friend pointed it to me, after all the stories and broken souvenirs I have been through this would be a rather cruel twist to ads!
But I feel my body would have spoke to me by now if…
Touch you wood!

I guess the fact, that I lost two partners from AIDS does not help.
I almost feel like saying, it would make things easy, to falls from grace and find the strength I have being searching to go meet my angels….
Anyway, I truly don’t think, I shall died from this….tomorrow shall be the answer!

I am going to try to relax in the mid-time….have a little prayer for me that my test comeback negative!
GOD WISHES SHALL BE…I AM POWERLESS….

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

HERE I am fine myself for the first time in months without the need or the wish to write but later on, like a old ghost invading my privacy, come to haunted me to spill the acidity juice of the past. In my case more like the past nights!
To my own surprise I realised by my so call “statistic” I am becoming the freak, the one who many click on to see his delirium crisis, maybe it is because , while disguise under the make up of a geisha boy is REALITY!
I am preying my best to become the little hobbit of the new land call “the harbour of reality” bless, while there is everything all I pray for and wish for…
I am at lost, right at this minute!

I am hanging in this garden, pondering over this new journey, where like a blind man, deprived of all senses, walk to the heat of the sand under his feet’s!

And all I keep seeing, still, while less and more deserted endless land of sand is once upon a while, an Oasis.

I got lost in some many illusions, mirages of the soul, fool of the king!
Dancing in his most flamboyant costumes!
I was a victim of fantasy world if one as no role models it will go fishing and like the lucky soul, or in my case the crack spirit, shall find embrace by the arms of death, victim, beauty and stardom and to the end the loop perfectly suicide!

The gift of destruction this is what I was given, this is what make breath!
I look at my life and I see an individual slowly falling from the star to the bottomless ocean!
Angel dechut!
I inspired tonight while there is being so many up and crawl up again! Like the spider in the bathroom, searching for the red light!
Voodoo smile!

Some of you know me, well actually should re-phrase this, some of you know a little of me, the one and lonely MARGOT!

Some friends would be chock to reads this blog seating on the edge of my bog, spilling my inside out and falls like an empty shell to the bottom of what I believe I deserve!
Oh yes I can see what you think, this is where I get my most fun!

I am………………………………………………………………
So many words I have not yet put on this blog and when u read this, you think, u know me, u think u have heard it all, so little so pretty is this lies as I can tell you , I have milk the cow of despair the one, who’s head shall be decapitate of front of my child eyes.
The one who have even yet come by!

Yes I have true and real to my story and Jesus, is it not enough to be forgiven?
Oh yes I have more Jekyll and Mister high to tell you, who care of the wrong spellings this is where the true genius lies!
Arrogant, narcissi my heart explode to those accusations!
I am the ghostly figure floating under the ice; I am the ghost who comes to visit at night!
U thinks, this is funny?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND LET ME IN……

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

HERE I am fine myself for the first time in months without the need or the wish to write but later on, like a old ghost invading my privacy, come to haunted me to spill the acidity juice of the past. In my case more like the past nights!
To my own surprise I realised by my so call “statistic” I am becoming the freak, the one who many click on to see his delirium crisis, maybe it is because , while disguise under the make up of a geisha boy is REALITY!
I am preying my best to become the little hobbit of the new land call “the harbour of reality” bless, while there is everything all I pray for and wish for…
I am at lost, right at this minute!

I am hanging in this garden, pondering over this new journey, where like a blind man, deprived of all senses, walk to the heat of the sand under his feet’s!

And all I keep seeing, still, while less and more deserted endless land of sand is once upon a while, an Oasis.

I got lost in some many illusions, mirages of the soul, fool of the king!
Dancing in his most flamboyant costumes!
I was a victim of fantasy world if one as no role models it will go fishing and like the lucky soul, or in my case the crack spirit, shall find embrace by the arms of death, victim, beauty and stardom and to the end the loop perfectly suicide!

The gift of destruction this is what I was given, this is what make breath!
I look at my life and I see an individual slowly falling from the star to the bottomless ocean!
Angel dechut!
I inspired tonight while there is being so many up and crawl up again! Like the spider in the bathroom, searching for the red light!
Voodoo smile!

Some of you know me, well actually should re-phrase this, some of you know a little of me, the one and lonely MARGOT!

Some friends would be chock to reads this blog seating on the edge of my bog, spilling my inside out and falls like an empty shell to the bottom of what I believe I deserve!
Oh yes I can see what you think, this is where I get my most fun!

I am………………………………………………………………
So many words I have not yet put on this blog and when u read this, you think, u know me, u think u have heard it all, so little so pretty is this lies as I can tell you , I have milk the cow of despair the one, who’s head shall be decapitate of front of my child eyes.
The one who have even yet come by!

Yes I have true and real to my story and Jesus, is it not enough to be forgiven?
Oh yes I have more Jekyll and Mister high to tell you, who care of the wrong spellings this is where the true genius lies!
Arrogant, narcissi my heart explode to those accusations!
I am the ghostly figure floating under the ice; I am the ghost who comes to visit at night!
U thinks, this is funny?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND LET ME IN……

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Six multiply by three…the devil is out again!
Calling me…trying to keep away from the damage!
But I got a bad feeling, to hold on to heaven,
Now I am in this hell, and don’t feel a thing,
And I wish I could thank you!
As I am crawling like a maggot in the floor of society,
Ramping like some nerves,
Disconnected from reality, watching myself falls,
Oh yes, I am happy!

Do I give a fuck?
Do I care?
I feel so numb bad and alive at the same time
I wish for suicide, I wish for death!
I took your words
In your church of lies,
If I knew
I would I spat on your wounds,
I would have known better!

Oh well, this is me. And prepared to crucified you again
I wish I could like you!
Do you enjoy my body naked?
Raped, mutilated and innocent?
I keep you like a Victorian locket,
And hold on to you,
Until we meet again!

Really don’t give a flipping “F”
Because you can abuse me all night, remember!
Dripped me of all my life!
I am drunk and want to dance upon the silver screen,
Like some silly dolls,
Except I don’t have any inside my guts!
God please give the strength to commit…
U knows what!

So fuck u all,
So piss off me, indeed!
U knows who u is!
So mess me with me tonight,
Co`s I will crash u before it begin!
What we swing in the fine air,
Hang!
I longed for ……guess!

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

So there it is!
The glorious way up!
While I go further down inside the cold water and search for my last breath!
I am supposed to be fine, oh yes, I am surrounded by fluffy heads in some chemical clouds and I try to stand proud!
I am really, not sure if I like this feelings!?

Underneath there is so much pains and I feel the current of time is running out!
Right now, I wish I still had the strength to cut short my pains but something is stopping me!!!
Bleeding families, friends and furry companions I am a prisoner of my own Idaho!

I am so sad and feel so empty and loss at the same time!
I don’t see any ways up yet?!

Oh yes I should be proud I stick to the cloaking and reduction…
Why?
I wonder?

These next few weeks shall be crucial in my life.
I have so little energy and faith left if any at all…

I am just so, so, so lost.

COPYRIGHT@206.H.N.MARGOT.

Feeling like apologized for my future posts, as I see the slow decline…

What has been up has go to down and I am driving on the fast lane, where there no signs…no exit, yet!
But I am still breathing and truly hope to see the map I lost my compass!

I feel so useless.
Is it this what reality is about?
Ok, I know, I can not expect to see some flashlight to blind me, like the dolls used to do, in such a small space of time!
So I keep reducing almost by the day!

Because i really don’t have time to waste and baby I want to see the true and stand proud, me and god talking, I have book my appointment with him!
So he better has a good argument because otherwise I will take the dolls twice as much and leave this place and drive full blow into those walls I am crawling upon, like a sick spider, searching for a way out, trap in some filthy bathroom!

Yeaps that what I call, the decline, the me, who is almost already free from the land of the dolls!

The worse is already knowing some place, private of course, who will be more then happy to prescribe me those little buggers again, my best friends, my worse enemies, just a little pill!

But I won’t, I am going to keep going….
It will take a while to appreciate the world?!

I hope not, I don’t much time left!
I am the one who will stamp on the crawly and feel the crush of her body under my weight I carry for a very long time!
So u better get things moving, now, I don’t feel much or wishes for…except to see the end of this game….

I look like it is going to be a long night again….
I wish I was in love and I could rest my shoulder upon love to whisper All his going to be fine…but I know better and I shall be on my own for a while if not for ever, until I can smell the senses of nature and laugh loud, I wish I could, I would do anything for this magic second!

Neither happy, neither unhappy….thank miss Prozac!

Maybe it is better to end = maybe it is better to fight?
I wish, I hope, I dreams…..till then…I m sure we shall cross paths in this labyrinth of insanity/ beauty/ ugliness tralala…………………….

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

I promises myself I would be in bed, truckle with a good book and here I am, past midnight, coming back from the garden of Sodom!
Plenty of lust crawling around, liquor and cigarettes and I bloom in this summer night!

Enjoying the touch of the stranger on my skin feeling his flesh again mine…
Who care what is name was?
I guess sex is part of life and I am not dead!
Promiscuity might be word but then again so many others I have being slaughter on this blog could explain this…
Nobody really know where I get lost in the middle of the night, even me, at time, I wonder or wake up almost having forgotten nature, trees in the shadows and the bestial smell of cheap thrills = orgasms!

So here I am until I get the juice of life flowing through my arteries again, I can feel the desires of creativity bubbling inside me, that a good sign!
And by the way, I am still doing extremely well!
I am almost down 1 little blue valium and 1 xanax, no more dolls while I miss them the most!
Jesus if I could have one….little monster who keep whispering in my ears come, come, come, we are so close, so I shoot my load instead to forget my tiny mistress my goddess, encapsulated inside rainbows colours!
Maybe I will finally says them goodbye, I have done well, more then most doctors have expected so far, I reduce the amount most predicted would take me 8 months in 3 weeks!
But as I type these words on my silver screen I find my writing banal, so mundane and after spending most of my life since the age of 15 inside this psychedelic bubble it is kind f weird, the least one can say!
I find reality, once upon a time I experienced and let face it, despised it at the time, the valley of the dolls seems so much more fun, but looking back, there was no much fun left, every months ending up in emergency for O.D on benzo or barbs= Dolls was getting boring for myself too!

I mean, I was looking at the little medical file I got and since Nov 2005 to May 06, I have been hospitalized 5 times!
May being the worse, I mean I ended in hospital twice in the space of few week overdosing on dolls!
Yes, while I told them, it was an accident and while they knew I lie, I actually took my little fake friends to end my pain, loneliness, sleepless nights and the all madness that came with it….
I was lost…and tonight while I find myself, wondering if I am becoming a boring …I might not have my mind floating, being able to write madness…and smile and laugh, but this smile, this sparkle in my eye was chemically induced!

So I am going to stick with the slow decline and watch myself become what I always despise….but then again, what this space!!!!
I am back and maybe this time, the true smell of flowers shall truly feed my soul!

I really don’t know anymore, it is like I want to go back to this safety net while I am walking bare feet’s in this new desert!
And there is no sand but broken glass and I bleed and I see my smile slowly disappears!

I know what they thinks, he has everything now, I fight my life away and managed to buy my place, got education, would consider not stupid, I work so hard and I am proud to be a hard worker/ honest and keep having time for my friends and my door open….

But this are all outside things, the true lied inside of me, and until I falls into this oblivion and still searching to fill up this hole like a gangrene eating me alive, I shall not care or appreciated what I have achieved!

And so what, tomorrow I can loose it all, I did it the night I watch the coast of France disintegrating in the late evening as I was moving to England…
But I had faith and that what I need to find again….

I am bore and shall force myself and knock my head if I had to go to bed by 1 A.M.

Miss u all….
Love u all…

This post is dedicate to a old lady call Annie who I do not know but hope she get the help she deserve, anyone who truly care for the earth deserve more….then taxes and all flipping bullshits!
U knows u that is….

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Sleepless night, I shall not let it STOP ME enjoy the sunshine who suppose to be one of the most glorious day of the year; well actually tomorrow it shall be 35 degree!

Except for the fact that I slept little and babbled most of the night on my blog, responded to messages and the all tralala of it all, which is like a nice cocoon for the soul, I received a very special message of somebody who had find my “post” a true inspiration, I suspect the dark one, about the terrible tale of “R**E”, indeed if those words help this person to get it off her chest, I be happy to have contributed to it.

To comeback to my day, while I am now, tired! What can I be at 4 AM?
I won’t let myself slip under the duvet…I could easily sleep the all day and tonight will be the same long howls of my demons haunting me!
I shall instead carry on the good works I have started, few weeks ago and I am please to say I am doing better then my wildest dream!
I am almost on 2 pills a day!
Now for somebody who only in a not a so far past was floating permanently in some psychotropic zone, this is quite a miracle!

As I can already see the result, more bright, my senses are coming back to reality, I guess I just have to tackle the smoking which is killing me!
Being a chronic insomniac I find refuge in industrial masse of smoking cigarettes at night!
And wake up with the most awful cough, I truly despise this nasty habit and actually until 6 pm does not actually miss the little white sticks bugger!

I shall carry on the detox and let life take care of the rest…
I have faith.

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

So now I am going to be awful in their eyes...
This all idea of blog was to write some kind of dysfunctional diary so here I am!
Let me think for an old souvenir, not very hard to do so…there are so many things I could write about…

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.NMARGOT.

Like a tiny secret, pill box hiding under my pillows,
I wish I could I swallow it all, but it doesn’t make any sense to me,
As I am awaking from a long sleep,
Yes, my lovely peers and ladies,
I see the sky and the sun feel like reality,
Upon my skin!

The chemical fantasies is slipping away,
And I find myself looking at this new face,
New eyes, new lips, new body!
They already say, I look different?
Was it so easy?
While I still miss my mistress, my lovers
Where are my dolls???

Actually not far from you,
Two steps away in the kitchen cabinet,
But I shall resist because there are only of value,
As my rescue as my exit!
Yes that right, we are rock and rolls
And drink more then you and I get tits,
And back again…while feel so sick while talking shit!

I feel like the devil tonight again, watch u step!
I am the shadow watching u,
I loose my faith and live a life of sins!
Because tonight I can indulge in orgy,
While you come/ cum all over us…

And deep down I wish I could be finding in plastic bag,
But tonight I shall do what I want,
You understand?
Peoples says, I am too honest to sweet,
Like some honey on lips,
Of Lucifer, but that alright because I don’t play any rules!

So catch myself going down,
And hope for the sky,
And there are no stars but the syllable of the moon,
Passing memory, passing me…
And I wish, I wish, I wish,
You say you love me!!!!

You can do whatever you wish to me,
Because u still my slave,
And I know u be back again,
For more and under my skin!
I am not dead yet just changing,
So rape me till bleed?!

Yes that right, I am guilty,
I am not scare of what my comes,
The road I choose is one way exit!
And while I could finish this metaphor like shooting stars,
Bright and beautiful,
The true is nobody knows the taste of my tears….

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

The sun is here to cry me “God Morning” with the sweetest hot kiss, the breeze is warm, and I wish I was on a beach naked with the architect of the world, discussing matter such as the fawless dance of the waves and the decline of the moon at the same time.
I have met him once. It was an accident and it was the best mistake I could make, the souvenir of peace, the whispers and the final kiss or so it seems at that split second.
I have a feeling is very close to me at this hour, listening to my words like crystal fingers on the piano of the architect of the world, everything is so calm, so gentle at this second.
This is it; this is happiness, this perfect feeling of communion, between me and the rest of my surroundings.

What a lovely feeling, so ephemeral, so short.
I turn around and ask the architect if I ever will feel this again and his eyes are full of the sea and his smile, and his face his full of light…
Like the sun this morning.

My friend has come to visit me it has been a while…
His name is “the architect of the world”, the softness of his skin make mine crawls with goose pimples. He seems so please to be here, is he coming to take me?
Or simply remind me that he was always near by, nothing mystical or magical.
As he says taking his ruler and starting laughing loud and louder as he watch the expression on my face of shock.

“It is time, we revise an old lesson, and it seems you had forgotten while you have been asleep all those past years…
You have the tools my dear friend and the seed of inspiration, let the smell of fresh digging earth revive your soul and remind you my secret, let your hands guide you don’t ask why or how?
You see….nothing to fear, nothing to worry.
Watch as the colours mixed perfectly on the sky, you see my friend this is what you call Faith.”

As I type his words I watch him closing the door.
But what are rolling on my face are no tears of sadness but of the pure innocence, children’s tears on my lips.
I know his heart is full of love.

And you know what?
The architect of the world has just left me a gift or was it there all this time?
A key, bright and shinny like the star above our heads.
So each time I feel I am about to forget, all I have to do is open the door too and I knows he will be there, as I walk naked on this beach.
And who knows maybe next time we might even discuss love and compassion?

“Don’t resist, just stay right there it will all come…..”

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

This is when the true come to haunted me, I want to sleep!
Please let me sleep!
I know the dolls are so close, in the kitchen cabinet but I must resist!

I miss them like sex, love, family etc…
You mean nothing as this minute as I am cloaking, there u are bad time, I want to sleep but still get fills with the same fear of going to bed!
He is dead!!!!
So what the matter with you?
I can’t!

I longed for loving words; I pray and still begged for more!
1 last beer too many secrets to hold, this is when I feel like dying, too much to bear on my shoulders!

Why????
I had forgiven him and still do!

So why can I not go to bed?

I am so scare….
I will never be clean again!

1 only 1 and all will be ok, but I won’t!

So I am going to bed fuck even if I stay awake all night!

Tomorrow I will water my plants feed my marmosets, and spoils my dogs for a nice walk.

Boring but I am sure as things will get better in the end….

Thank you for your sweet messages, you have no ideas how privilege I felt and how helpful they have been, u knows who u are!

COPYRIGHT@ 20006.H.N.MARGOT.

Abuse me!
Now that a strange request?
I would say I am definitely not a masochist and don’t enjoy pain, except mental pain and then again, I have no control over it!

But I had some deep conversations about my past and I was nicely surprise that some of my faithful friends had the balls to actually tell me what they felt about it.

The worst in most people’s eyes was my choice to be a hooker as 19 years old.
Interesting for me…why it is who seems to be so difficult to understand, while I am not going to give explanation why I choose to goes along this paths at the time, I am neither proud or ashamed of having done such things then selling my body to the rich for money and at the same time gave every pound of flesh to complete strangers, mostly losers/ tramps/ the lowest of the lowest for free…

The most obvious replied I get is always!
There is always a way…
Really?

Well, I wish we could have swaps at the time and let see what you could have come up with to survive in a country who you could barely speak the language and was in no way able to go home, I had no home then!

Do you find the cardboard box lying in the streets more appealing then selling u body, yes u do, how I can see u thinking this, u reads about it.
It all seems so much more glamorous, does it?

Well let me tell you, if I was living in the Caribbean it might have been, but the streets of London for a 19 years boy were not that appealing to sleep under the arches of embankment station, I have been there in France, and all I did get was been rape, not that I feel anything bad or sorry for it!

Jesus Christ, this is another one, ppls don’t get it. Why am I not angry?
Rape is like pain who only feel it once!

I am actually amused yes that right, I guess I am becoming free of all this garbage’s!

Don’t give an F*** about it anymore...

The problem is not what I feel about it, but what scare has been left on my naked body, on that child?

This is really the true issue here!
It took me more then 10 years to let anybody touch me, I mean friends and family, I was terrified….
While at the same time, I could not stop giving myself to anyone’s and anybodies…paradoxes of time or very logical answer, I think I know and so do you the answer!

I am really annoyed because I want to go to bed, but I won’t take my dolls!
So here I am typing away syllables and stupidities to find peace.

I have been thinking so deeply about taking my little rescue bottle of dolls.
But the voice of my brother crying the phone made me feel so so so so so BAD!

I WAS SO DETERMINATE TO END IT SOON.

But I am going to fight and let life take care of me instead, I have been for too long in control of my own destiny and it is time, I let go!

Why do I always want to say I love you all?
I barely know any of you even less I dare to say you would probably miss me one day, and have a topic of conversation.
- Oh yes that man, on that blog took his life away and my fifteen minutes of fame shall burn as my body do….

What you I wile to be remember as?

ASK MY FRIENDS!!!!

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

I was reading the blog of a cyber friend who enjoy making little question/ answers kind of topics and I am going to try to make mine.
I am laughing already as it will be the Marquis De Sade who wrote this, please make sure to complaint and cut my head off for such idiotic questions, I bore and that is my only excuse!

-1; when was the last time you felt safe?
When I was in hospital after taking an overdose of barbiturates in May 2006, I like the feeling of being look after by nurses and doctors, make me feeling safe.

-2; when was the last time you were drunk?
Tonight!

- 3; when was the last time you were high?
Wednesday.

- 4; when was the last time you dreamt?
Last night while wanking, daydream always….

- 5; what do you wish most right at this minute?
To find the wish of being alive and the beat the wish to drown myself at the same time…don’t ask!

- 6; who would I like to be with right now?
Robert Smith and Kate Bush drinking tea with Armagnac!

- 7; what are my favourite colours?
Red and black of course!

- 8; what I am most proud of?
My brother.

- 9; who are your favourite cyber friends?
For the animals and mother feeling, miss Ath…SPECIAL ALREADY LADY IN MY HEART.
For the kindness, miss fatal Attract….
Co`s I think he sexy and like the happy ending!, “J.T.M”

- 10; If could meet a celebrity who would that be?
Marilyn Monroe of course!

- 11; what is the book I wish I wrote?
The Little Prince because it is magic!

- 12; if I could changed something in my life what would it be?
To had the chance to speak with my father before he died.

- 13; hetero, bi, lesb or homo?
All!

- 14; what make my heart tick?
My animals and nature, I am a pagan at heart long live mother earth!

- 15; what religion describes you most?
Buddhist.

- 16; what song would you like to be play in your funeral?
ADAGIO FOR STRINGS.

- 17; what is the THING YOU MOST regret?
To have hurt my family so deeply…

- 18; what if?
I be happy. I guess?!

- 19; what is u idea of the most pleasant death?
Suicide by drowning. YOUNG TOO!

- 20; what keep you alive?
My dogs!

- 21; my first love?
I never realize until she died, Christelle G.

- 22; if you could have 3 wishes, what would they be?
To have somebody right now who say I love you and means it!
To have met M. Monroe.
To know I had been an inspiration for 1 person.

- 23; if beauty was a person who would it be?
John Merrick.

- 24; what was the last movie who inspired you?
The hours.

- 25; what is you top quality?
To be faithful and humble at the same time.

- 26; what is your worse enemy?
Myself!

- 27; what would you wish most right at this moment?
To be hold tightly, kiss gently and told: is all going to be all right because I love you…

Something new to wonder over?
I guess….
I would be delighted if you give me some feedbacks, I love people’s stories and would be ecstatic to reads you reply, and yes I know it will be Sunday morning….

COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Don’t know if the weather? The blue sky diluted inside my grey eyes, so I can see light, colour blind spare from the darkness?

I look at the screen and all I see is millions of me, shatters all over the place! me rather happy today, maybe indeed this is the beginning of a new era?
All this time, I was floating inside this pool of Hollywood monkey puck, fantasies are made of sugar honey on the lips and acid in your guts, shake it well and u get a nice libertine boy, well , ok man, I wish….syphilis prose’s to arbour this new beach I am lying on this evening.

Jesus I could do with a nice cup of coffee but I am not sure where to go, what to do with myself, all I knows this is all new, u know what I mean, by now, I would have pop few dolls and drink a couple of ….let say cherry…not!
And be space man, 1 pill to wake up, 1 more to forget and 1 to get up and swing the night away in some pub before returning from a late one and start battering my keyboard, to babble some old fables of the past, well is it not the idea of this blog thing?

I mean, I was never really into it to start with, write some old memories while I had try in private I quickly realised I was incapable to do so in some nice chronological order, I means it was not the fact I was about to drop dead from old ages but my close friends always felt I had such an amazing life (Jesus! I mean, it seems the worth it get the better and exciting it get for some) ok, I was aware that few things of my life were not your average persona lifestyle but to write my memoirs!?
Funny really, but hey, I kind of did for a while now.

I mean I had quite few kiss and tales to tell …
Delinquent, left home by 15 years old, got involve in drugs, prostitution, therapy, self-mutilation, Sex AND more sex again, stay in hospital, stomach pump 3 times b4 my 18 birthday, being in a coma, girlfriend commit suicide days after my 23 B`day, abuse in everyway u would not dreams as a child, involve in pity crimes, run away to England, cut off of my family, father alcoholic, Jesus, I am exhausted all ready…anyway, I had few of those tales in my bog/blog.

And then….

To the surprise to many, who I would dare say, had already bough the flowers for my funeral, I turn my life in some twisted way.
Ok, what do you expect; I am not going to turn an evangelist or preach the moral of the highest being up there…
While I never took much importance to my 30, it seems all happens at this time, when to university, quick my job and establish contact with my family.
It all seems to go like a dreams but I was awake!
Even find love, true love!
Today gone with the wind….

But while I have slip slowly into a maze of dysfunctional bizarre and dark alley ways, where I lost often my soul in the garden of Sodom, I have move on…
Now, I am again, turning a very important page I would dare say, I am about to write a new book!
Meaning, there is much to do and so many choices, the problem is;
- I am a very paradoxes person.
- I like my darkness at time, if I know I will have some dolls to put me to sleep!
- While I despise myself, I still take pride I can shags 6 hormonal person in a day…did I says I have little respect for my body?
- Well that a hard one, while I find hard to look at myself in a mirror and like what I see give me strawberry and champagne and I will be yoursssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!
- yes, I always like to think of myself dying like a libertine person , so far so good I have in some incredible way, while being a hooker in the past, never being the worth kind, the one I saw each days turning to their offices, hating their jobs, contributing to the misery of this world and feel powerless about it!
- Fuck that, excuse my libertine language, but we all have choices!

I kind of feel like writing about my house or May I rephrase my shoebox call a flat.
I like it very much, it is a cross between the jungle and a museum = a hobbit home!

I am far too much of a romantic and keep everything’s, not that I buy many things but I tempts to have many plants and animals all over the place, well actually in a very concise Zen way.
I have a huge collections of esoteric items, who has blows many peoples away from Tibet mainly, amulets as old as 5000 years old from Sumerians ages, old mala made of humans skulls as I like very much Buddhist items.
Sarira and books, old manuscripts, from mediation to satanic verses and satanic bible to autobiography and first edition of Oscar Wilde last book.
Incense, candles yes it seems like an old sanctuary of some old hippy but not really…
But like some bare house of Pompeii bare floor, tapestry on the wall…maybe I will try to find some pics of my home, why would have some?
Oh yes. I have a little passion for collecting old cages, mediaevalist, Victorians and Arabic’s/ Chinese, u name it?

Am I drunk yet?
Not, that me, in my normal taste!
Scary I know….
But I guess what make my flat the most famous in south London is not the fact that I have two monkeys as pets but my toilettes ( bog) every inches of the walls is cover with religious imageries and iconic stuff like bibles, old sculptures of the virgin Mary, what best place to be confessing your sins?
I ask?

Bless me!

Ok I am not really inspired but why not?
I don’t feel like dwelling into some old so