I wish I could sleep, sleep, Sleep…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. Insomniaque, Insomniaque, Insomniaque, Insomniaque, Insomniaque!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe 1 Day/ night? TONIGHT =  Tuinals!
COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

THIS has to be short... I substitute love for dreams, I was so naïve and hurt by many along the ways, By my look! Tonight, I am alone, the subtitle for love, Should i wait or longed for you? Does it really, matter? I have so many loves, so many hollow sexes, Sometimes for money, sometimes out of pity… I wish I could feel shame, But pain is like shame, U only feels once…. I met this boy, who has turn to a beautiful man, Today…. We went for a drink, he just text me with loving words, maybe, to have and not to hold…. I was kewlllllllllllllllllll While I wanted to feel his lips upon mine, Maybe I find the right one? I replace cheap sex for love, But I was blessing to be sexy, never beautiful! I carry the animal quality, Too these days, Still attract, breathing….. I am so tired ,dolls in my body…. I can be barely see the screen, Blurry, I wish for impossible things. I thought it would a good secret! I will died by medical diagnosies, The night of 4/5 august of 2006 Am. I take joy in the vanity to expire my last breath like blossom in snow flake, I am so tired, more dolls? Maybe one more too many and I won’t see the morning dews? Ma famille m`a abandonner ! Mon frère est le traite ! Je l`aime pour l`eterniter. COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Elvis is alive, Swinging his hips, Upon Cinderella’s virginity, Sweaty and hot indeed! Elvis is alive, Hiding in yeti land, In snowflake, Ice screams for the palette! Elvis is alive, Front page of newspapers What can u still believe? Would it be so nice? Elvis is alive, I shed a tear, Watching, sleepy, Those eyes…. I wish I met you, And fuck you too! Elvis is alive, Asking for me… I am in entitle to deem, I hope and wish, His flesh against mine, Forget the pig! We spawned the monster, Today, we relish upon him, Can you see? Al this junks? In the attic, Of your mind, Can your climb? To the top too? I ask u I beg u too! I expect the best, And shall died like a happy man
COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

I want my dolls!!! She screams with her last breaths! Dolls and more dolls… The sky has no more stars, But colourful “poupees”… Smiling to me, with mortal faces! I wish, I hope, still… I was working today and I saw this young man, Seating at the entrance of the tube station, Begging for salvation. I went to him, Between clients, And started a conversation with him. I won’t denied, His despair shined like sex-appeals, Indeed, Irish man, Who has no reach his thirties yet! While his face betray his addiction, He still reminded beautiful, Why? Because as I started to engaged in some dialogue I realised, But then I knew, he has a heart of gold, Another star that has bite the dust! I always wonder, when I look at him, from behind the windows of my jobs, The reactions he gets from nice dress city type yippy boy, Who have no clues, blissfully ignorant of their souls! I hate myself to have such resentment for them, After all, in my own spiritual paths, I do truly believe, They are already paying dearly, there arrogance and mistakes, They are so numbs and empty! I should knows I deals with them, everyday, Chop, chop, chop and sometimes fuck fuck… All the same, same old lies, same old bullshits, But hey, daddy was able to pay for Oxford University, Maybe Cambridge…. Either ways, there are all the same! I have so much respect for the Irish boy, who begs for his addiction, Maybe because I was there once upon a time? But even better, I told him few nibbles of my past, And he felt stronger and as he says: I inspired him…. Time will tell. Don’t take me wrong I know the score, There is no such thing as inspiration; it has TO COME FROM YOUR OWN GUTS!Maybe the irony, he actually think, I have made it as he told me, Yes, when somebody tells you, I came in this country with one way ticket, not speaking English, Did all the labours works one can think, kitchen potter, cleaner, MC Donald’s (the most repulsing job I still believed I ever done), prostitution etc… And today, here I am, with a first class degree and have a mortgage, Yes me "““devine”, it might look rather in his eyes like a happy story… A good ending I did not have the heart to tell him, Tomorrow, I could loose it all. As I have done in the past and started all over again! Tomorrow is an early start so it is time to take my first doll! I receive some interesting letter these past weeks. I shall put them on line now; this is an act of bravery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I read so many bogs/blogs and while some keep my lifespan longer enough to finish the first chapter, most of them, I find are flogged under the disguise of fact names! So be it, I probably blew my last chance to get a job if somebody saw it but u knows what, fuck it, this is a small facet of myself, the fact speak louder! I go to work each days, had not took holiday since 5 years and I am bloody good at my jobs! In 10 minutes I will be hit like a suicidal kamikaze by a train, with the molecule of Tuinal hitting my brain! And then again, I will have to take another one; to falls into some delirious sleeps….indeed life is wonderful…. If u get me? Till the rain, I love U.
COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Rainy Sunday never really mixed with liquor, pills and hangover? But the mind is begging for spiritual paths and a single ticket to freedom. In this case under the disguise of creative imageries and ideas which I have been nurturing in the corner of the attic of my psyche. As the spring comes. Deep seated desires and lost passions scream to be fulfils! So be it! Despise the physical sickness deeply rooted inside my guts to lied down and rest, I shall listen the character from above, my ultimate teacher and start working furiously upon this pressing dreams…who whispers: - It is time to get on with me, my friend. It is all good really. I would dare even says, I kind of look to get on with it, as I would like to get my exhibition ready for next summer. I wonder what they will make out of it, as for one I have no ideas where my fingers are about to leads me. I have all the ingredients and tools but above all, the guidance of my tutors the one and only. Who has achieved so much already! I know tonight if I oblige. I won’t go to bed feeling empty and having wasted another day… The rain seems to wash away the sickness, while I can hears my friends telling me, go to bed and stand up tomorrow and start the labour of love, WHICH I have been neglecting for the past six months. Pissing away, escaping the true nature of my wishes! So let get done to it, the glass city is about to be finish. Maybe not completely but I have a pretty good idea where it is heading for… The microcosm world I have been carefully thinking and planning is about to emerged of my belly like a sickly foetus, which I have forced to hold inside of me, suffocating and I guess sick of my relentless passiveness, at present I am faced with his ultimatum: - create; this is the road of recovery! So let try to get my hand dirty with gold dust and butterfly wings whom shall be my faithful allies… COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Infatuation = désappointement ! Once upon a time was a child, who felt he never belongs or felt loved. So when he was young and still has no comment sense, he felt over hills for a star, she was the ultimate fantasy, the most beautiful lady in the world… He started to read her story and in some twisted ways, find his life entwined with her, despise d the fact she had died 20 years early... But suddenly, he was not alone; he had found a figure, a dream… He would be as big and loved as she did…. But loved was never really there for her like love has gone long ago today! So there are only celluloid’s pictures and broken angels wings… The only comfort is the barbiturates, the dolls, as he like to call them, like she did, it take one to know another… So I went to the edge of oblivion and I am about to take more, excuse me, I have to take one as I type this word so I don’t fall into darkness too late and bring a smile to my clients tomorrow, like a sweet hooker! I knows the game, I knows the best tricks and I have the equipment to make they smiles! I still to these days wonder how I can keep my beauty, not that when I look in the mirror I see a good looking man, but I see sex- appeals Yeaps, I was told and still do… By now I should look like a mess! Only two cigarettes left so o better take more dolls so I can cuddle between the sheets with my dogs. When I think about his time, and the dreams will left behind… In my dreams I see you alive and so alive, and I kept inside of me a part of me and everywhere I am, there you are… You show me, the way, feeble but you still shinning! I am feeling so sad, I don’t really care anymore, neither do I worry what peoples think about my bogs/blog! Ahahhahaha…sad joke the same old habit… I have pissed my life away for the past 6 months and really don’t find the strength to find more… So I take my precious friends at night and swallow more poison during the day to smile and am the pretty face they are expecting of me! In some kind of twisted ways, I should be happy as I am a star, maybe not on the celluloid film but in the eyes of so many I am, even deep in their souls! 36 is the end of my game… Few more months and I will be memories on the cyber world? It will always sound pathetic and I frankly don’t give a flying fly…to be polite. Yes I don’t think I will ever come off them, there were my only friends and today my worse enemies! But the world need star and I am a star! How pretentious, do I give a monkey puck about this statement? Not! Co`s I knows I am, and will be…. My brother emails me today, he is young and with youths come ignorance… I love him dearly but we have cross the road… I am alone now, not even him know me… A mystery in day light! So is it I a wish to sleep … In the mid – time I will be doing the same thing to copycats simply the same despair I will pick up the phone and falls ASLEEP…ONE DAY FOREVER. MY ULTIMATE DREAMS! 
                       COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

MY POST FROM LAST NIGHT ONLY CONFIRM, I AM BETTER OFF STICKING TO MORNING AND LET MY CREATIVITY COMES OUT THEN...

I AM DETERMINATED TO NOT PISS WAY MY LAST DAY OFF AND DO SOMETHING CREATIVE AND WORTH WHILE!
SO LET GO AND FLY!

It is a strange feeling to know that 1 shall perish from his own hands! I lost count of the amount of debates, I had about peoples committing suicides. While, a vast of majority of them, see it as a coward act (mostly religious, Catholics and the rest of them) it is rather hard for somebody like me to buy their arguments, after all my sugar daddy was a priest when I was 20. Quite a well knows figure, as mention b4, the man was proud to have in his flat a photo of him shaking hands with the queen of England, now that really says something to me! Strangely enough, despise the fact I was born in France and let face it, we did enjoyed chopping royal head’s off in public during the revolution, I, never was anti royalist. I do think they have a purpose I am sure and Prince William is always welcome to my bed anytime… I won’t even mind if the new girlfriend wants to join in! Looking back I have no bad feeling toward him, maybe I should rephrase this, I have no feeling toward him at all. My dilemma is more with the hypocrisies of the church in general, let face it, most of them are a bunch of closet queens in disguise that enjoy the choir boy in many ways… Needless to go in details, instead I rather talk about his desire. If only he had been a decent old man, but his holiness was as tight as a fist in some …..Nahhhh I can says that! I let u imagination guess… But I am loosing track as usual, I was more interested tonight to discuss the right to end one life. Maybe I was bless/curse to have encounter suicide early in my life. My first girlfriend took the decision to do so as a birthday present, 3 days after my 23 years old, she was herself 22. Yes, I won’t deny it is probably the most difficult time; I had to come to terms with. Suicide is a violent death and while, I won’t denied it is extremely hard on the one who survive, these days I would not have it any other ways. It was her choice I respect her for it. Neither do I advocate the discipline to do such act, but I have a problem when ppls start telling me, at the time, such comment as: - What a waste, etc….. I remember be so furious, not only there were fuelling my anger even more, but who were they to judge her? Did they know what happens to her, did they know what happens? All I can says is, I know that it take great courage to end one life, oh yes I can hears the same songs of the past he take even more courage to carry on despise the pain. Does it? The answer is not easy, I feel like a coward these days, as I can not do it anymore, or when I try I always butcher the job! And wake up in some poxy wards in some dirty hospitals, where frankly they do not give a fuck, instead they feed my habit and drugs me up with more happy pills. Now, I ask you, is it better to live a life one do not wish to live or be truly honest with oneself and end it all. Only the ones, who have been to this road knows the answer to such question, life can be unbearable… Yes, while it is mostly forbidden in most country to end his existence, it seems fine to live a life of lies and pretend everything is ok…. I prefer honesty. I always wonder why, most peoples think it is ok to put down an animals but refuse the very own idea of somebody to do the same? Why, because in their argument, the animal is in pain, well let me tell you about pain then! Pain has many faces, pain does not have to be physical but I truly believe mental anguish and perpetual torment are as a valid disease to choose to end the suffering! The bottom line, no-one will ever stop peoples to end their existences if one has gone to the very end bottom. I am no there ………………..yet. I had my share already of attempts. By the age of 18 years old, I had my stomach pump 3 times and spend in one of my “try”, 3 days in a coma in a life support machine. To wake up and find myself with a blank mind for over a week. I don’t even feel the need to explain why I did it, at the time it seems the only way out of what was a perpetual torture, breathing was even painful. You see, I feel like a coward not to go in my kitchen and open my magic tin box and take the bottle of chloral hydrate + Tuinals. I know it would be painless. So what stop me? Good question? My love ones. So I live a life I have not wish to live for them. So they can get on with there, is this an act of pure love? I don’t think so. If you dearly love somebody, surely you would wish the best for them? The best does not always means for them to be around but to know there are happy! I have spend the past 10 years living for others, maybe it would be sensible to consider that I have a right to live my life once for myself too! And if this means to end it, be it! So instead, I am a coward, who live thought the lenses of doctors who gave me all sort of psychotropic drugs to keep me happy, well to keep me in some fish bowls and made believe, I am happy… How sure, I will take my dolls and wake up high as a kit. But even to my own surprise, I still know what right and what wrong… Or maybe it is true, creativity come with a price! The more creative you are the more destructive you become… The double edge of the sword! One as to reads those small snippets to realise this: "It is more difficult to withdraw people from benzodiazepines than it is from heroin. It just seems that the dependency is so ingrained and the withdrawal symptoms you get are so intolerable that people have a great deal of problem coming off. The other aspect is that with heroin, usually the withdrawal is over within a week or so. With benzodiazepines, a proportion of patients go on to long term withdrawal and they have very unpleasant symptoms for month after month, and I get letters from people saying you can go on for two years or more. Some of the tranquilliser groups can document people who still have symptoms ten years after stopping." - Professor M H Lader, Royal Maudesley Hospital, BBC Radio 4, Face The Facts, March 16, 1999. INDEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

We are nearly half way through the year and I feel like I have being pissing away most of it! Is it time to get a grip! Ok, the all idea of writing this blog was to purge myself from some nasty little “memoirs” and so I did. I guess after being told by so many, I should write my life story, I though it would be fine to do so and started this all blog business. But after spending my day off doing …..Well, nothing, except taking the dogs for a walk and had a quickie, I don’t feel I am moving fast enough. It would be easy to go down the shop and get few beers ( I love beers) pops a couple of blue tabs and forget about it while starting writing about more sordid details of my past, but what the point is nothing comes out of it? I had a sleep this afternoon and I wake up with the same sense of dreads. It had been a long time, since I felt it! So I am going to put myself through hell, watch this space! Meaning = I managed to stop smoking, reduced my sleepers and tranquilisers, not so long ago, why not giving it another shot again, so tomorrow is B-Day! Let see if I can turn the tables. Smoking will be the hardest, I have no doubts about it, and I did it before, what happens? 2 long years without it and before I knew I was invading my lungs with 2000 chemicals again. The pills, well, I am going to be well discipline, reduction is about to start, sod it if I don’t sleep at all, and I am not going to take any dolls! That is a pretty scary though indeed! Now, the hard part is to actually believe in it! I mean, it was only few months ago when I started my reduction program, stop smoking for 3 weeks and stop the caffeine. And yes it was truly awful. But I got to remember 2 weeks down the line I could feel a tinge of happiness. So what when wrongs? Hummm, let me think, I kind of like being in my little sphere, far from all the ugly thoughts who kept crippling out inside my head. Or Maybe it was the fact that after having spent years of study, I still have to do some shit job to pay the bills when I feel I should be pro-active and move my asset (not the old one) but the one who says on paper: First class honour degree. Or The fear, the anxiety, waking up with that same feeling of dread…. In the end it really does not matter! I want to find the old me, the one who could sleep without some colourful dolls and was fills with such creative juice, I could do anything… It is a good job; I am got two consecutive days off this week. I am about to go to war with my demons. And is going to be pretty blooded it! But hey, I can do it; I have to hold on to that though! He says, while he is dying to have a walk to the corner shop and get a couple of beers! You see all my friends have started to do some kind of spiritual search, some by going to yoga, like a religions while other finding some soul mate to give them that rush of adrenaline, the honey moon period = ok time to settle down… Call me a cynic, but I kind of rebel against those old concepts. Cheesy is the first word that pops through my head, when I think about it. But then again, when I try to give it a go, I do feel better; maybe I am just being a sad lazy sod who finds it easy to stay in his fish bowls, feeling sorry for myself? But then again, that doesn’t fit the profile either… I don’t actually feel sorry for my past & even less for myself, as a matter of fact, I had learn to live with it and as I mention in previous posts , shame is like pain you only feel it once! Oh well I saw an all list of jobs advertise who seems rather attractive. I am going to start all over again the all process, CV, covering letters etc… And I can always find comfort in the though that if I cannot sleep, it is time to dust the flat, BIG TIME! I MIGHT EVEN MOVE SOME OF MY OLD FURNITURE’S AROUND. Either way, time shall be my witness, all I know things can not carry the way they have been… LET THINK OF THE 16TH OF MAY AS A NEW START? COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

I do not like or wish to be as tormented as last night, when past event from the day before come haunting me back through the night with such horrid and vicious nightmares. While, I might have been bless by such little recollection of the depth of such horrid images that kept floating inside my subconscious. I am rather surprise, to the very own fact, to have any recollection at all of it all, as usually after taking my dolls, oblivion is my safety bed! The plot is well too blurry to be remember and let face it, unworthy of be as such! I do not think it would have provided me with the next Pulitzer price! No, I truly hate the turmoil inside of me, a mixture of anxiety and saturation of the liver who unlike most morning, I wake up with the same dread, this faceless fear, which can only be tight down on the page of my diary, Morning Dews. It is too early for him to knock on my door… I should be going about my duties as I have a long and busy day headed of me. But I have that reflection of me, walking to Richmond Park and ponder about the next move of M? I might have always known the end of my novel; I keep hearing the same woman voice, like a ghost from the past: - He is going too died, the visionary will died so to speak and make us all more alive… He needs you to die… He going to kill himself, again, that was part of the plot or is it? After all, if one has not yet figure out the twisted game of: www.crowpied.com I might sabotage the true but even worse unveils his identity! No, far too early to reveals any of the true as I found out last year after finding the courage to reveals half of it to my friend or my ex- friend shall I say? He felt he had not other alternative but to leave the city, the burden of simply knowing was too much to bared and I suspect there shall be never enough miles to severe the words I spoke in a drunken stupor, it is indeed a heavy load for one man to carry such lethal secret! Was it not why, me and him had started the site? When, at the time, it all seems like a magnificent idea. The monster started to be building a magnificent piece of artefact, we call it, and obviously one could not disclose the trickster! I still feel the core of the site is indeed to the borderline of pure genius… If one take the road to discover of the true, despise I had not finish, far from it my share of it, Margot has been rather busy since he has found me & spend most of his time, either like shadow behind each of my words or never really far…. No-one knows, in that realms of true the newspapers will have a field days, when it all going to pop out! If ever? My secret are dying to type the true, I wonder why sudden, VERITAS, and wish to expose something, I knows would only destroy us, came in such jolt of desire, to screams to the top of my lungs, his name, his face, his love and hate but then again, ain`t they the same as mine? They might not spring from the same physical body, but the refection is identical! How could he? Not only they took away, my blood and flesh but it seems to me ludicrous all this time, they truly believe they would get away with it? I mean, I already knew inside of me, they were something vital missing… I used to talk to him! It was May 2003, the knock on the door. I open and I turn to stone! Talking about writing, these would not only make the front page of the tabloids if the exact details transpires but I knows for fact, with or without our accord , books and lies would sprung from our story. Was it not after all the kind of scenario, people’s lives in the middle age or Victorian, mourning era? My first thought was: -“So, I was right!” as I reach for the mirror but I had never thought of a ending like this, while I had find some hidden clues, photos, letters and official papers, I always imagined if such impossible thing was to be, joy would prevails? How wrong! Not even a word… My embrace was push away, coldly! 20 long years, I gad waited for it! I watch him, with fascinating eyes, seating I had dreamt of that day for over 30 years. I could not go over the likeness… But what was to be says was to bruise soul and spirit! _ Mummy boy, had a nice little childhood, did you, remember me? The glaze of hate. Today, it will be almost to the day, the anniversary of that first meeting. And, still, not souls know… But I find few months ago, some disturbing details, who made me wonder or confirmed my worse doubts! I do not mind the spying; I do not care about the bitterness if only concern of the impact, of what is about to comes… If he even, saw those words, I guess this would be my last entry and like, in the past, he would post his voice instead! We are after all, very similar indeed! If only for a tiny genetic detail! Look at the lips, look at the lips…. COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Almost 2 AM already and the same old friend, insomnia keeping me company! I am not even going to fight, 2 dolls shall do the jobs after a long day at works hopefully! Like a puzzle, since October the pieces are starting to make sense. My chronic insomnia, as I was discussing the matter with a close friend over dinner tonight, seems to spring from a fear to go to bed. So I knocked myself with sleeping pills until I can barely stand up and crawl to my bed. The fear by then is gone. Over 20 years, I kept the secret and kept my mouth shut. I guess some peoples would think it is not right of me to write about it, why? I think it is all part of the healing process I am going through, these days/nights I have the courage to actually say the words: Sexual abuse and even better write about it. Jesus I am so shit at writing at this time of the night but the dolls has not kick in yet and instead I take a cigarette, smoking like a fire brigade! I shake my head to remember a good story I promises someone I will write a good story, she asks me what make me smile, what make my heart happy? So maybe I could start focusing on that…. Let me think… What makes me happy? To know that tomorrow, I am off and not working! Not that I will have a lied down in bed, I don’t sleep these days very late, as a matter of fact, I actually adore waking up at 5.30 AM. This got to be my most boring entry to my blog! As there is no story, I can see but simple thoughts popping thought my head while I listen one of my favourite record: The Cure in Paris, live. Well to be precise, I am thinking of somebody right now, she is looking at me, in a tiny frame, Christelle. I never really spoke about her, well maybe one day. It took me years to realised I loved the girl, the ghost who died in 1993, three days after my birthday. We did it all together, drugs, sex and depression. You name it! We become some kind of legend in my city in France; only waking at nights secluded during the days, lock in our chemical fatalities. I could write an all book about her and probably will one day if the dolls don’t win! She was a strange girl, who had been abused by her steps father and then also rape after visiting me one night. There is a lot of abuse in my life. I am not feeling bad or sorry about it, instead I remember our excursion in the middle of nights, wondering the streets fills with anger, youths and bless… We did some very bad things which at this time, funny enough I can not speak about, yet. We were lost souls and likewise she had tried to end her life many a time until one day, she finally succeeded! I would not have any other ways, really. While, if god allowed me to live a little longer, she will never ages as I look at this minute 2 pictures of her, on my desk. The first one, was when I met her, she smiles and look so young, the second one was taken a couple of years before she commit suicide, the smile has faded to be replaced by anger, while there is a air of mystery, Mona Lisa of the twenty century! We used to inhale some “triclo" a paint remover, putting some drops in tissue and breaths through and before we knew, we were gone in some mystical lands, sometimes fills with horrid visions while at other time, we would simply felt into a semi coma. I guess what makes it so hard was the fact she died so far in the Ivory Coast, on some deserted beach. After autopsy it was concluded she had died from a cocktail of pills. But the verdict was open to murder! Jesus, I can feel the dolls kick ink hard, go to bed! But I am still tempted to take more, when I take barbiturates I never dreams, my sleep is blank, No dreams no wishes just hollow memories in the morning! Like tonight really, I am empty, not depress just vacant and sick of it all. I actually feel pretty sick, too much work? No enough food? Too much fags? Does it really matter, in the end we all died! Elise (Christelle) it does matter, what you say, Every where your smiles, I really hate this post, so mediocre so rubbish, but I got the bug of the bog! Sad fuck! And we all throw away, like throwing faces upon the sky, I just can hold my tears, the ways you did, I thought you were the girl I dream about and the promises have died, so long ago…. I guess I am buying time until I find the strength to go to bed, why I am so scare to sleep, long as he gone too…. He can not harm me, they say. But the memories stay! Nothing left I can really do at all Merci Robert Smith for still is such an inspiration….
COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT..
 HE JUST CALL , ON HIS WAY...

While if you had, unlike me take time to reads some of my posts, you will realised that I enjoy naturally writing in some old fashion ways. But that is not means to says, I do not enjoy a good session of vulgarity, u see, I truly believe vulgarity can be as delightful and colourful as poetry, if use properly. Not sure if I feel like swearing co`s of the dolls or simply because their takes all my shyness away…? Ok let go! - Not that I give a flying fuck, my brain will slowly stop working, while I am on my first doll, it take three, these days, at least 3 Tuinals to put me to sleep. Now I got this dilemma, I keep having bees buzzing around me, when all i wish is for a nice bumble bee! Ok, god knows why I don’t look like shit after so many years of being subjected to prescribe drugs, to be precise 20 years of it, in & out. it still a mystery, but then again, my doctor keep saying I am a miracle of science? Number one, because I am still alive after considering my body must be rotten from the inside with legal happy pills such as xanax, valium, chloral hydrate, Tuinal, barbiturates, mogadon, you ask, I am a walking chemist! Still be a vain cunt, when most peoples think I am not more then 31 years old, I take comfort and wonder if the sleepers keeps me young’s? For those who have not guessed, I am an obsessed fan of "la Miss Monroe", just email my J.Di.Maggio. An ex-boyfriend of mine, I was too young and had too many issues to resolve at the time to let my heart open, actually, have I ever open that organ, except for my asshole to assholes? Well, I usually fuck the scums. Pretty descriptive, don’t mean it… The true hurt! But trust me far less then a 17 year old, who was drugged up in some street in the romantic city of Paris; Are u ready? My rape. I was pretty naïve then, I went to Paris with my girlfriend, yeaps, I did enjoy the tits once upon a time. Anyway, got wasted and….yes u got it, booze and pills. Before I knew, I was wondering the dark roads of the capital, searching a way out, but it looks like my girlfriend of the time had fuck off with some guy because in my delirium, I had kissed a girl ( no recollection of it)! Anyway the outcome, was It was past midnight, searching for freedom, so I headed for the train station, begging strangers, after being told politely by the staffs of the strain station, they was nothing they could do to help me. Find a bunch a bums seating, drinking vinegar and join them… A man approach me, Jesus I shall never forget his words, it was pure poetry! - U need money to get back home, I need love….. Fuck off right away from here…was my thought. So I change station and ended in “gare du nord” to find, what seems to look like a genuine man, who promises me to pay for my ticket the next morning, youths can be so stupid and naïve! Before I knows the nice bloke offer me a cigarette to smoke, till these days I shall never knows what was inside, all I remember was the next thing I knew, I was paralysed. So he grabs me by the arms like a dismantle dolls and drags me on the floor of the metro of Paris… Till these days I have no idea where he took me, but before I knew, he came back to me, who by then I was slum on he pavement incapable to move or speak, and holding a bottle of wine, sticked it down my neck. The blood of Christ dripping on me, while gulping what would be my sentence, my first rape! Like a goose I swallowed almost chocking half way through, the rest is pretty much of a blur… I ended in some poxy room in some doggy’s hotel. By then, despise the fact I was out of it, drugged up and spiced out, I knew something terrible was about to come…. And indeed it did! I was lying down on the bed with my clothes on; facing the walls trying to avoid him, when I feel his hands caressing my hair, gently at first. - You have beautiful hair… I do have very little recollection of him taking my clothes except for the fact that I was paralysed, my body was frozen. He took a soap and gently strokes my penis, I close my eyes. It was quite painful, irratating my cock. And then it simply seat on my manhood and took his pleasure… I remember at the time having a flick knife, which at the time was legal, you have to remember; it was legal to carry them, in France . I told him I needed to go to the toilette, and got lost in some staircase and knock on peoples doors, no-ones responded, not because I was trying to get help I was still floating in the garden of Sodom and naked. I was simply looking for his room or a way out? He came to picked me up, looking back he must have been pretty scary if the police had been calls…better hiding me. The rest is a blur, I only recollect trying to look under my pillow if my flick knife was still there, of course it was gone by then, looking back it might have been a good thing? The next morning!!!! The rape might have been in the eyes of many the worse part but to me, it was the wake up calls… While my abuser was sleeping, I started to ask him for some money he had offer me for my ticket to take a train back to my city, but he could barely be ass! ~I feel the need to point out I was not a rent boy or anything but truly believed, this man was genuine and wanted to help me the night before!~ I try to open the door naked, but he was locks. So in a jolt I look for my clothes and they had disappears! Panic took hold of me! I started to scream and waked him up . that hole who had took pleasure seating on my big cock (sorry, can helped it)! I suspect he had smoke the same doggies stuffs he made me smoke the night before. Still, he would not let me goes. So at this stage, out of control, I open the window and yells at the fucker, if he did not gave me my clothes I would defenestrate myself, which I would have! So like an old maggot, he crawls of the bed and opens with a key the wardrobe and handed to me my clothes... Trust me; it did not take long for me to dress. I had to struggle more as he was in no mood not let me goes, you see, by then, he all become clear the man was a “pimp”. His plan was clear despise my cloudy mind, he had not intention to let this new fresh blood out…. So I went to the window and nearly jump. What would it says when the police would have find me on the pavement like a bowl of spagetty splatter in the gutter? So he gave up and opens the door, I run for my life…. i met an old lady, who reads the look on my face & gave me a tube ticket free, this is the most adorable memory of that night, the kindness of this old lady, bless her heart, shall always stay with me where ever she is. There is no moral to this story; none I can see or think of, after all this was an exercise of vulgarity taking from a real fact. The only thing that will stay with me……. I was rape with a bar of soap! Pathetic! & Painful too!
COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

I trade my body for meaningless things, These was the days/ nights, Where one would substitute love, For today broken dreams… Be careful what you wish for, While, the rush of adrenaline run through my arteries, In some artificial paradises, Regrets have long gone with the wind… The first time, I was 19 years old, under age in the UK for selling my best assets. Like a foggy memory, I remember my father has just died from years of alcohol abuse, the cancer has took is tolls on his body. I find out of his passing from the other side of the ocean too late and turn up to a pile of fresh digging earth, 1 day late for his funeral. I visited his last home, there was barely anything left of him, few clothes and amulets. I was told he had asked for me on his dead bed, but I was indeed far gone. So there it was, the life of a man, my father, who had died with nothing in my fresh eyes at the time, it would take a long time to realise that is legacy was to haunt me for years… Hidden in one of the crumbling room of the house where he was living at the time, in this tiny village, I found a picture of a young boy, around 14 years of age. I recognised my dad and took it, to find out his writing on the back: - For my son, H.N … So much for a legacy I though! I came back to London and become a rent-boy right away. The impact of loosing him had left me with serious questions about what life was about. So was that it? I choose to turn the table and become what he could never be. A success, but fame has many faces. I felt for the wrong one! I quit my job as a cleaner and become a sex object for the sexual souls, wondering the streets for a quick fix! My duster becomes my cock and I earned fast how to use it! I think what disturbed me the most was the clients request rather then the actual acts. Mary, Joseph there is some pretty dysfunctional species of men’s ramping the streets. I guess we were there to stop them to prey on innocent victims, we had a tag price! Well, actually have you lost your innocence at 19 years old? I still wonder… Maybe some of us have to growths faster then others? I think, at the time, in my naïve ways, what shock me the most was most of them came from very respectable background, I did them all: - Priest, minister, judge, business mans you name it… But considering by then I had already being molested and rape at 17, it was not such a big deal. Still, it was not the best way to mourn my father… Small massage parlours as they calls them at the time, was legal, we were masseur, and indeed we knew what to stroke! I think in one month I bruised my soul for the next ten years! So in the end, I turn my back to the sex industry and work in McDonald, trust me to these days I am not sure what was the best jobs, selling my soul for capitalists or selling my flesh for a pound of flesh! Not sure why I am writing this, but like I explain when I started this blog/bog, the idea was to vomit the past… So here I am… Maybe next time, I shall speak about my best client, a priest, who took pride to have in his flat of photo of him checking hand with the queen of England, ironic indeed for an ageing queen meeting the true and only one Masonic goddess of our dear country, English rose … Who had a vast collection of boy like me, on tapes? But that is another story, mind, it would be a miracle if the poor sod still alive? I truly believe by now he must be swinging between hell and heaven, his soul lost in the realms of hungry ghosts. Kind of strange looking back to old good memories, as I feel nothing those days writing about such things. After all, I dare anyone’s to judge my acts! As one says, Shame is like pain, you only feel it once….  
                COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

What a beautiful morning! WOUAH!!! COMING FROM ME, A MIRACLE MUST HAVE HAPPENS, FOR SUCH JOLT OF JOY! I was thinking about my nest box outside my windows flat, an old wooden box, I put there as long as I can remember! I noticed last year, a blackbird female popping out in the early hours, like as soon as the sun was peeping on us… But while I was hoping she settle and have a brood, she never did ;-( Well, all has change this year, not only has she came back, but last week, I started to notice Missy, popping in and out of her box, in the day time, while before, god forbidden, I would only see her at dawn. Holding all kind of creatures in her beaks, so I decided to have a look closer while trying not to disturb my close neighbour. And yeaps! I got a brood of the most sweet looking babies singing until their heart’s burst for mummy to come to feed them, so now, I have this constant sweet lullaby, all it take his for me to open my window and the record is on. I must say I feel sorry for the poor mum and dad; they spend their day flying like suicidal kamikazes in and out of their penthouse, with their latest slaughter, mostly insects. They are very young as they still have no feathers or such. The great thing being is the window is near my desk so I have a perfect view of their round about… They almost mock me; I thought opening the window would put them off, shrew! No way, they don’t give a damned about me. It makes me laugh because they are getting to get real musical ears too! As my speakers are so close to them, well inside the flat but as being a music lover, the sound blast in most of the time. Well, something appears to me, they might either have musical ears or be deaf! Only joking, it is not that loud… But I reckon, they shall definitely be, the most funky, alternative, diverse musical expert in the world of birds! As my musical taste is rather varied! I always look at this thing as omen of nature, anyway anything in or out of my house seems to breed… Except me for the time being…watch this space! Well, the moral of the story is simple: It only takes five minutes to build/ buy a next box and set it up outside your house/ flat. Mine was empty for years, t`ill….. Not only will you be charm by the sweetest pee-pee-pee all day longs, not loud enough to be a nuisance but sweet enough to the subconscious… And let face it, having life sprung from nowhere to your door step can only be a good message of the gods of whatever u choose to believe. Needless to says, you are doing a good cause for mother earth, which some countries, (I won’t name them, as thank god they are some genuine and caring peoples who live there) all they seem to care is destroying for profit! Sickening! Narrow visionaries, what do they wish to live as heritance to their future sibyls? Some cuddly toy of “once upon a time, this species used to lives, I remember it…kind of argument? And for the last but not the least, if you loose your job in the near future, well, you can always have some fresh meat roasted for lunch…heehaw! 
                       COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Pissing blood, Red turf, Bonne appetite! Freak me out yesterday when it happens But then I remember, I hated some beetroots! Apparently this is what happens? Kind of kewl, So if u wants to wee-wee red, Keep eating the beetroots!

 COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Savage, walking upon lilies, Crashing beauty with a smile Oh yes, I am the devil tonight! Satanic verses run deep in my veins! I could take dolls or keep awake? Hard choice, liquor and pills, Make u wonder… If I feel immortal? Not really simple kamikaze! I was never made for pleasure, Well, not for free, I long for the jolt of urban city! And I wait patiently for the river, Where my ashes shall perish… Sweet noises in my ears, Deaf I am! Crazy. Insane. Demented! Me, really, too late to analyze this… I am and shall be…. The requiem of the under dogs! Baby killer, The song sing, Curve ring in my broken skull! While I try to make sense of it all! But I really do not care, I am happy tonight, As a matter of fact I am ecstatic! With molecules raping me! Just fucking goes away, Have I invite u? To my inferno? I don’t think so! So let me drown peacefully, Co`s u can’t do nothing for me, But watch me died! Balblabla….
COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Centipedes crawls on my skin, Toads dance in my hair, I feel like Chinese burn, One more bite! Do you really care? I do! Doolittle little boy, Playing in the back garden, Dancing upon my fur… Breathing, drowning, flying… Before me, I see the sky, The moon smiling… One more chance? I swim in the mud, Waiting for the lotus flower, To explode and blow me, In the current of the river… Tomorrow is too late, I don’t feel worthy, So I run to the same alley ways, The one paved with your blood! I lick my fingers, Satanic or angelic, Watch if I care! Because I dance with the devil tonight! They knows my secrets, Hips like Cinderella box, Forget locket, cheap and beauty, I want to bleed… Is this so hard to forget? Like centipedes ramping upon children’s bodies, Ballet rose/blue… They know my secret! Chinese whispers, One more night, u might be lucky… If you falls! Make sure you don’t wake up! Oh I love that feeling! Even when I say, I don’t, Waiting for the whales…. COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

Wake up like most morning, early with the sunshine still bright in the sky. But most of all, with some of the sweetie’s messages about my post of last night, some souls can sometimes touch me deeply… Specially, when u do not expect them. Like most mornings, after a chemical sleep, I wake up rather happy, my head still fills with colourful molecules from my dolls! I have a long day affront of me, chop, chop chop all day… I am feeling a bit disappointed, I guess the only stain in such beautiful morning dews, to have succumbed to the sleepers and their sickly lullabies last night; - take me, swallow me…..” But hey, I am only human and when I know the night will be long, I rather fall to the oblivion; I was born in the wrong era! Make me smile, not sure why? The question is would I ever be free from Judas? Judas in my case looks rather delicious with his 3 colours, in forms of a capsule! God do I wish I could go home and close the door and find peace…I wonder if such dream shall ever be? Either way, I am glad to witness a new dawn… Well, I have something to look Sunday, the ever building of my website, it shall be back on line next week…. I have neglected the blog, not the bog! But hey, nothing really matter , like I express last night, I have gave up trying to control my existence while I go around my duties( not the 1 I like) I survive! Yeap, “somebody” is right I am a survivor, .I suppose, if such thing is true, but I wish one day, I will be a free survivor with sleepers… And laid down on a bed made of dried rose watching the moon raise and smile and laugh, I forgot what I sound like…. Well, to be more precise, I laugh a lot, at works or make my clients smiles a lot, but it is all part of the job, still……….. I am blessing to have some delightful punters who truly care about me and I take great comfort in my heart to make them feel happy… How ironic, I think. Here I am in deep thoughts, drowning at night and by day, the smiley face who makes peoples happy…contrast of nature. Sometimes, I don’t even know myself in this maze of such twisted mind of mine! So here u are, I am awake and well, I felt my duty to let you knows before starting to splash my sins away under the shower and wears my most sainthood clothes, to start all over again… And like most mornings, I keep thinking, it all will be fine in the end, one way or the other! Let me think of a ending….hummmm Travel to the end of the world, Searching for my heart, It is a very place to start… Watching the sun has they goes, By each mornings, Blessing the sky to let me see one more time. I always wonder why I look so good after having a night in the arms of my sleepers. Waking up with the most glorious flawless skin tone, sleepy eyes, like a young child, looking younger? It make me think of some tragic figures of the fifties, who live more by nights and kept with proud their white skin, in some verse; - I am a creature of the night… Hummmm, I am going to get a suntan instead, heehawed…. Oh well, I had a lapse….it is not the end of the world. I still don’t know where I get my tenacious desire to wake up… English rose, I can see by your coming clouds, the rain shall be my walking friend on my way home tonight… And I got this party , nah, I by give it a miss….and get up as in my usual morning dews, at 5.30 am, to fills my Sunday with some nice to accomplish, like walking with my dogs, boringggggggggggggggggggggggg. HeRve Ps: childrens/ adults do not fall for the dolls, they mess u in the end, I do not advocate them, while they might have at this time, a grips on me, I shall find one day the strength to let them goes….in the blogs, I mean the bog! ~Sad joke~ COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

What a turbulent few months! The few words that come popping to my mind; - selfish, - -unhappy, - Tenacious, - Suicide, - High, - Low, - Pills, - Barbiturates, - Xanax, - Valium, The list is endless… Add a couple of OD ended in hospital, nothing really matter! Life seems to smile to me again? I ponder or jerk off? In the end does it really matter? Still the same, free pleasure to the garden of Sodom! Have you notice how many mediocre books are on sells in some shopping mails, which I won’t says the name They do not need more publicity! Especially from me! I realise, you can not be a control freak, so I let myself fly high and smile to the blessing face of ignorance… I LOVE BARBITURATE AND I AM BLESSING TO BE SUCH A CHRONIC INSOMNIAC TO BE PRESCRIBED THEM!!! I remember when genuine peoples telling me barbiturates will be the end of me…. I guess this is where I get my requiem! TUINAL = is the name of my name the most lethal… I adore my dolls…. I should rephrase this; I am in love with the fifties and barbiturates & champagne! They are already working so I will leave this all paraphrase right now, before I can not even see the keyboard! See u over the rainbow!
 COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.

« 2 MAY 2006 » So it is… Nothing to do, nothing left for the mind! I guess I should goes to bed but the call of the dolls is stronger! So I swallow 2 more, after being discharge from hospital this afternoon. How easy, it was; -simplest says, it was an accident. And there you go; keen enough to give me the rest of the dolls, left over from my numerous fails attempt of suicide, another one…not the least one ! The all scene is almost comical, if it wasn’t, for the human laying on that bed plugs up by millions of machines to monitor his heart and needle sticking deep inside his arms! Oh it was me! It would be effortless to start all over again; after all I have enough to finish what I butcher last night! Plenty of dolls whispering me sickly lullabies! But I feel so empty that I will try to knock myself off for the night. Tomorrow we shall think more deeply about what need to be done? Right now, it is all a blur; -the police. - The ambulance. - The menaces. - being force to go to hospital… I slept deeply that night connected by dysfunctional mechanical holly. Told them “the” true, wishes to hear! If I had made the mistake to speak “VERITAS” I would have been kept in one of those chamber of torture, no other word for such institutional places who suppose to smooth the soul and spirit but let face it, destroying you more then before the lamb had set foot in this slaughter house! Tomorrow it is my birthday….second of May, I wonder if this will be the final chapter? Scary thought! I mess up again. COPYRIGHT@2006.H.N.MARGOT.